


We Don’t Get Happy Endings, Do We

by iamliterallyahotpocket



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: (ok i lied there is little a fluff), :), Ahn Jaewon | Wyld is Sad and Lonely, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld is Uncomfortable, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld is a Lightweight, Alcohol, Anger, Angst, Angst/Little Comfort, Bad Ending, CEO Park’s Poor Media Management, Childhood Friends, Christmas Eve, Christmas Presents, Christmas Tree, Christmas Tree (mentioned), Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Decorating a christmas tree, Domestic Fluff, Dysfunctional Family, Eating Disorders (Mentioned), Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family Issues, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Holiday Drinks (mentioned), Homophobia, House Party, Hugs, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Depression, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Moon Kyunghun/Lee Minsung, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, Kang Dongho is Pining, Kang Dongho is Stressed, Kang Dongho is Trying His Best, Kang Dongho | D.Min Has Bad Parents, Kang Dongho | D.Min is Drunk, Kang Dongo | D.Min Lies, Kim Daehyun Hates Minseok, Kim Daehyun Misses His Friends, Kim Daehyun is Drunk, Kim Daehyun is Trying His Best, Kyunghun and Jaewon Have Trauma Sharing Hours, Lee Minsoo Gets Disowned, Lee Minsoo Is Scary, Lee Minsoo is Drunk, Lee Minsoo is Pining, Lee Minsoo is a Sweetheart, Lee Minsung Gets Disowned, M/M, Makeup, Makeup Artists, Manipulation, Media Manipulation, Medical Trauma, Mental Breakdown, Missing Persons, Moon Kyunghun is Pining, Mrs. Ahn is the Best, New Year's Eve, New Year's Fluff, New Year's Kiss, No Fluff, No Happy Endings For Ahn Jaewon, OR IS IT, Other, Overworking, Panic Attacks, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Physical Abuse, Pining (or is it guilt?), Platonic Cuddling, Press and Tabloids, Regret, Revenge, Romantic Cuddling, Sad Ending, Scandal, Self-Destructive Tendancies, Self-Worth Issues, Sharing Clothes, Social Media, Stylists - Freeform, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Nothing, The CEO Sucks, The CEO is Mean, Those are important, Train Rides, Travel, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, Wakes & Funerals, What's new, White Christmas, Whump, XR’s CEO Is Not Shit, clubs, haha nope, hospital visits, iamliterallyahotpocket’s 2020 Winter Whump Series, oversized hoodies, pls give dongho big hoodies more often, scandals, that's the trauma i think, they literally just met but whatever, things seem to be going well??, uh oh someone dies, we all stan Mrs. Ahn, who knows oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:15:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27866733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamliterallyahotpocket/pseuds/iamliterallyahotpocket
Summary: winter is the season of loss- of coldness and darkness and loneliness- so it’s fitting, then, that this story would be set in winter.
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kang Dongho | D.Min & Kim Daehyun & Lee Minsoo, Im Youngjoon | Young J & Jung Hyunjin | Ven & Kim Taeseok & Lee Minsung & Moon Kyunghun, Jung Hyunjin | Ven/Kim Taeseok, Kang Dongho | D.Min/Lee Minsoo, Kim Daehyun & Minyoung & Minseok (Lost in Translation), Lee Minsoo & Lee Minsung, Minyoung & Koko & Yoomi (Lost in Translation)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 22





	1. MINSOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobia, Failed Coming Out, Bad Parents, Hospitals, Suicide

The Lee family is close, Mrs. Lee says. Their two sons, Minsung and Minsoo both are so successful, both leaders of boy groups, and they’re popular!

She never actually says it, but Minsoo knows who’s the favorite child.

Minsung, who always got good grades and who was the first to take a step towards his idol career, who was the first to debut and who has a solo career already, who’s group is polite and sweet and doesn’t have scandals every other week.

It’s never said at the infamous Lee family dinners, but you pick up on it.

After all, Minsoo mostly just sits in silence, quietly eating his dinner, as Minsung rambles on and one about SA1NT, answering all of their parents’ questions to him perfectly.

When Minsoo does get asked questions, he gives short answers, always editing the story and omitting the parts his parents won’t approve of.

They always turn back to Minsung quickly.

It lets Minsoo think about things, things that he never got to consider while living under his parents’ roof.

Such as the idea of a boyfriend.

He’s toyed with the idea since his last year of highschool, only truly considering it after he moved out. He doesn’t have the chance to go for it much now.

After all, MAYHEM’s dating ban gets in the way.

Even though he’s never dated a guy, he’s 100% sure that he would do so, and, if anything, leans more towards guys than girls. If he has to get one more “when are you going to date?” question from his mom, Minsoo’s pretty sure he’ll explode.

If he does come out, it doesn’t matter much what the reaction is. They’ll always prefer their golden son, Minsung, to the second. Him. He’s the second.

And, just as he started to dread the point in the night when his mom would start talking about the future or whatever, Mrs. Lee just has to ask the dreaded question. “So, do either of you have girlfriend?”

Minsoo gives a pained smile. He doesn’t expect to see the same smile on Minsung’s face, though.

“Well... I’m seeing someone at the moment,” Minsung says slowly.

“Oh! How wonderful. You’ll have to introduce us to her! If you’re dating by the next dinner, please do bring her, and let me know what her favorite food is. Oh, and drinks! I’ll get whatever she-“

“Mom. I... appreciate the enthusiasm, but the... person... I’m seeing isn’t a girl.”

There’s an awful, tense silence.

Minsoo holds his breath. If this goes well, it will be a small relief to him. If it goes horribly-

“Minsung, what do you mean you’re not seeing a girl?”

Minsung laughs awkwardly. “Uh... I’m seeing a guy? He’s really sweet, mom, you’d love him-“

“A guy.”

“Yes, dad. A guy. Is that an issue?”

The Lees exchange glances. Not good glances.

Abruptly, Minsoo pushes himself back from the table and stands up.

“Oh- Minsoo, where are you going?”

“I’m leaving.”

“So soon?”

“You obviously don’t want gay sons.” The silence once again settles over the dining room, all eyes on Minsoo.

He turns and leaves, shoving his feet into his shoes and hurrying out the front door.

He really should call a taxi. It’s cold in late November. But no, he walks back to the dorm, his fingers and toes freezing when he steps into the cozy warmth of home.

“You’re back early,” Dongho comments.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Minsoo receives a reassuring nod from Dongho. “Alright. Dae’s still at his house, and Wonnie’s not getting back until tomorrow morning. Do you want to watch a movie?”

Minsoo shrugs, the cold still gripping to his bones.

Dongho’s sweet, though. He wraps him in a blanket and sits him down on the sofa, grabs snacks for the movie and mugs of hot chocolate- the shitty powder mix that definitely goes against their diets, but Minsoo doesn’t care- and puts on a movie.

Really, it could be considered a kid’s movie. It’s animated, and cheery, and Dongho likes it. That’s all that matter, though.

It turns into background noise at some point, Minsoo zoning out. His phone hasn’t buzzed with a text since he left the disaster of a dinner, and he’s willing to bet his parents blocked him.

“-soo. Minsoo, you’re spaced out.”

Dongho’s staring at him, slightly concerned and oh, the movie’s done.

“Are you doing okay? I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but did something happen with your parents?”

Minsoo just sighs. “I’m gay. They don’t like that.”

Dongho nods, grimacing slightly. “That’s rough. I had to deal with that a bit in high school.”

There’s no way Minsoo could forget that. He and Dongho were best friends by then, still the only two trainees at High Class. Dongho’s parents had been less than thrilled when he came out, but they hadn’t disowned him. He’d just gotten moved from the family home to an apartment of his own, and that way the Kangs didn’t have to deal with him.

Dongho’s still watching him, worried eyes scanning Minsoo for anything that could be considered a bad sign. “Do you want to talk about it right now? Or a hug or something? Or do you just want space to deal with it?”

It’s no surprise Dongho’s like this. He’s always there to support Minsoo, always has been. “A hug would be nice, I think.”

Minsoo’s pulled forward, head resting against Dongho’s shoulder as the older hugs him. It’s awfully like Dongho’s first night in his own apartment, when he invited Minsoo over because it was just so big and lonely and Minsoo just let Dongho hold him for a while to feel a little less alone.

This is different though. Minsoo’s not alone, he’s got Dongho and the rest of MAYHEM. He also has Minsung to worry about.

He sighs, letting himself sink deeper into Dongho’s warm embrace. He’ll text Minsung tomorrow.

———

The next morning, Jaewon comes home bright and early in his thick puffer coat, carrying a box of baked goods his mom made. It’s too early for any of the others to actually be awake though, so he sets the box on the counter and bustles around the kitchen making coffee.

Minsoo knows because he’d been awake since 5:12 that morning. It was far too nice in his room to get up, though, especially since he was so comfortably cuddled next to Dongho, warmth seeming to just seep from the older. So he lay awake, listening to first the sounds of the city and then the sounds of Jaewon coming home, the sounds of the coffee machine bubbling and mugs clinking against each other.

Eventually he hears Daehyun padding around the house, he and Jaewon talking animatedly about their visits home. Minsoo sighs.

“Dongho, Jaewon’s home.”

The older groans sleepily, tightening his grip on Minsoo. “Soo, five more minutes.”

“Aish, fine.” Minsoo flops back into Dongho’s arms with no other complaints. There’s no need to get up, after all. They don’t have a schedule.

Dongho lazily combs his fingers through Minsoo’s hair, strands of silver running over his hands. They don’t get quiet moments like this very often, both just wanting to savor the comfortable warmth.

Eventually Minsoo hears someone’s footsteps coming near their room, and pushes himself out of Dongho’s bed quickly. Dongho gives a small nod and flops back against his pillow just in time for Daehyun to knock on the door.

He pops his head in quickly, excitedly meeting Minsoo’s eyes. “There’s pastries from Mrs. Ahn in the kitchen if you’re interested, hyungie. Dongho-hyung will like some of them, I think!”

“Thank you, Dae. I’ll wake up Dongho and we’ll be out in a second.”

Daehyun smiles and gives a thumbs up before disappearing from the doorway, assumedly heading towards the kitchen again.

Minsoo stays standing, frozen in the middle of the room, staring at where Daehyun just left from. He barely even reacts when Dongho wraps him in a back hug, bending down to rest his head on his shoulder.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it, Soo. I get it. You didn’t have the best experience with your parents last night, and didn’t want Dae to react like that, right?”

It’s times like these when Minsoo’s so glad that Dongho can read him like an open book. He just nods, soft black hair brushing against his cheek.

They stay like that for a minute or two, Dongho gently swaying them side to side. Minsoo eventually reaches up to pat Dongho’s head, sighing a little.

“We should go join the maknaes, don’t you think? Make sure they don’t eat all the pastries?”

“Sounds good. Let me change real quick, though.”

Minsoo pouts, plopping into his desk chair as Dongho changes from a tank top to a creme sweatshirt.

“Aish, Minsoo, it’s cold with a tank top on. Do you want me to freeze?”

“No, I just think you should maybe consider wearing t-shirts to bed instead of tank tops.”

Dongho groans, tugging a hand through his hair, and heads for the kitchen, Minsoo trailing behind him.

Jaewon’s fussing over mugs of coffee, a mint green cardboard box sitting on the counter behind him. Dae’s sitting at the table, swinging his feet eagerly.

Dongho smiles a bit at seeing the redhead. “Welcome back, Jaewon. How was the trip?”

“Ahh, it was nice! My mom keeps asking when she’s going to get to meet you guys.”

Minsoo frowns, trying to remember dates. “We have... some free time after New Year’s if she’s able to come to Seoul? If not, we’ll probably have a concert in Daegu next year, we can visit her then.”

“That’s good to know! I’ll text her later though, coffee’s ready and my mom sent some stuff she baked for us.”

Dongho helps Jaewon carry the coffee mugs over to the table, and Jaewon goes back to grab the box, setting it in the middle of the table and lifting the lid to reveal an assortment of baked goods.

“She said she’ll send more for Christmas,” Jaewon says, laughing. “I hope you like them!”

Daehyun laughs, one hand covering his mouth, the other holding a chocolate scone. “Your mom’s the best, Jaewon-hyung!”

Minsoo smiles a bit, picking at a raspberry croissant.He’s glad the younger two have such nice parents. At least they’ll never have to deal with what Dongho did, what he did, what Minsung did.

_Minsung. I should text him._

While the others chat, Minsoo pulls his phone out. To his surprise, there’s close to thousands of notifications from Twitter. He frowns and opens the app.

To say he’s horrified is an understatement.

Minsung’s disappeared.

According to XR, SA1NT was supposed to continue their promotions, and woke up to find that Minsung was gone, nowhere to be found in their dorm or at the company. Until he’s found, SA1NT is suspending promotions.

“Soo? What’s up, you look-“

“Minsung’s gone. They can’t find him.”

Dongho stares at Minsoo with a horrified understanding of what’s going on, and the maknaes just stare, confused as to why Minsoo seems to care about his older brother for once.

Minsoo stands up from his seat. “I’m going to go call him, I’ll be back in a second.”

No one moves to stop him as he walks to his and Dongho’s room and shuts the door.

He doesn’t have Minsung’s number memorized, it’s just saved in his contacts as “bitch boy” and Minsoo gets the feeling that maybe he should change that name soon. Now is not the time though, Minsung’s missing, but if he’s got his phone, he’ll probably pick up a call from Minsoo, right? After all, they’re brothers who are both probably getting disowned soon, they should care about each other.

Minsoo presses call.

The phone rings

and rings

and rings.

“Hello, you’ve reached Lee Minsung! If I don’t know you personally, please hang up. Otherwise, please leave a message after the beep. Thank you!”

Minsoo sighs and hangs up and tries again.

Second time is a fail.

Third time is also a fail.

The forth time fails as well.

By his fifth attempt, Minsoo resigns himself to the fact that Minsung’s not picking up. So he listens to the voicemail message again and waits for the beep and leaves a message.

“Hi... Minsung-hyung. Uh... I just wanted to make sure you’re ok after what happened last night, I heard you... never made it back to the dorms? Is that right? Ah, well, stay safe, hyung. If you need someone to talk to or somewhere to crash for a night or two, just call me, okay? I’m... gonna hang up now. Bye, Minsung.”

His phone plops onto Dongho’s bed and Minsoo buries his face in his hands, drained. God, would all this not be happening if he had called Minsung the night before? Is this all his fault?

The painful silence in the room is broken by his phone ringing. It’s the CEO.

“Hello sir.”

“Hello, Minsoo. I’m sure you’ve heard the news by now, correct?”

“About my brother?”

“Precisely. XR’s CEO contacted me, he wants to talk to you about what might have happened to make Minsung- well, from the sound of things - have a bit of a mental break. Something about you two having dinner with your parents last night?”

“...yes, we did have dinner with our parents. What time does the CEO want to meet?”

“As soon as possible. I’ll send a car to get you at 11. See you then, Minsoo.”

There’s a click over the line and the CEO’s hung up.

Minsoo groans, throwing his phone back down on Dongho’s bed. Now he has to change into nicer clothes than just sweatpants and a hoodie. Frustrated, Minsoo pulls a pair of dark blue jeans and a white t-shirt, snagging a half-black-half-red cardigan that probably used to be Dongho’s. He shoves his phone back into his pocket and heads back out to the kitchen.

Jaewon looks up at Minsoo with wide, worried eyes. “Is Minsung-ssi okay?”

Minsoo slumps back into his chair, head flopping to rest on his folded arms. “The bastard never picked up. And now I have to go to a meeting at the company about him, isn’t this just fucking great!”

Daehyung and Jaewon exchange looks, both glancing towards the empty couch. Sighing, Dongho waves to the living room. “Go on, watch a drama or something, I’ll talk to Soo.”

The maknaes escape quickly, taking a few pastries and their coffee with them. Dongho pats the top of Minsoo’s head. “I’m sure he’s fine. Assuming he stayed at your parents’ house for longer than you did last night, he probably had to listen to more of their homophobic bullshit. Honestly, it’d make sense if he got a hotel room or something for the night. I’m surprised you didn’t-“

“I didn’t hear much of what they had to say. They sounded disappointed, so I stood up, said what I wanted to, and left.”

“Good for you, Soo. They... haven’t texted you or anything, right?”

“Nope. Neither has Minsung, but I think you knew that already.”

Dongho pats Minsoo’s head again. “When do you have to leave for that meeting?”

“Eleven.”

“Ah. That’s in... fourty-five minutes. Roughly.”

Minsoo just hums in response.

“Do you wanna talk about anything? Or would you rather be left alone for now?”

God, Minsoo loves Dongho for things like this. He’s patient and understanding and sometimes seems to get Minsoo more than Minsoo understands himself.

“I... think I just want to sit here for a bit,” Minsoo says, voice muffled by his arms.

“That’s fine. Take all the time you need, okay? Oh, and you can keep the cardigan, if you’d like. I think it suits you more.”

Dongho pats Minsoo’s head one last time before grabbing his coffee and a scone and joining the maknaes in the sofa.

Minsoo raises his head a bit to glare at the box of pastries. He does not need to stress eat. Instead, he sips at his coffee and angrily scrolls through his wall of twitter mentions until it’s time to leave.

———

“Alright everyone, I’m sure you’re all aware what this meeting is about, but I’ll just go over it again anyway. SA1NT’s leader, Lee Minsung, has not been seen since last night. Until he returns, SA1NT is unable to continue promotions. Last night, he was at a family dinner, and we’re assuming something happened after he left the dorm that evening, aka when he was at that dinner.”

XR’s CEO turns to Minsoo. “You’re Lee Minsoo, correct?”

Minsoo gives a tired nod. “Yup. I’m Minsung’s brother.”

He hates that title. Minsung’s brother. Just when he thought he’d escaped it, it caught up to him again.

“Well, assuming you were at this dinner-“

“I was.”

“-would you be able to tell us if anything upsetting happened while Minsung was there?”

Resting his elbows on the table, face in his hand, Minsoo sighs. He’ll have to out Minsung, won’t he.

“Well, yes, something upsetting did happen, but-“

“Could you share more detail?”

“I- I’m not sure if I should. I feel like it’d be an invasion of Minsung’s privacy, and I’d really rather-“

“You can tell them, Minsoo-yah.” The quiet caramel-haired boy from SA1NT sighs. “They’ve... well, my manager and the CEO have already heard a bit of the story.”

“Ah.” Minsoo runs a hand through his hair uncomfortably. “Uh... Minsung tried to come out to our parents last night. And it didn’t go well.”

XR’s CEO and SA1NT’s manager give tight-lipped nods, unsurprised by the news. CEO Park, however, leans forward. “You’ve got a gay artist under your label. That’s great press coverage, you know. Foreign fans love that kind of thing.”

Kyunghun glances at Minsoo, horrified by what CEO Park’s saying, and XR’s CEO sighs. “Park, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I don’t market my artists with what I think will excite the media. They’ve got their concepts, their personal boundaries, and I don’t overstep that. Using an artist’s sexuality to create media buzz is something that oversteps far too many boundaries, it’s invasive and inappropriate. Should one of your artists come out and you use that to promote their group, I’d be more than happy to see to it that this company gets properly managed.”

CEO Park gives an awkward laugh. “Well then... Minsoo, you’re dismissed for now. I believe we’ll talk later, once this is all wrapped up.”

“Kyunghun, I’ll finish this up quickly. You’re welcome to step out if you’d like to.”

Both idols stand, and give polite bows to the CEOs before exiting. They walk down the hall to the elevator in silence.

Kyunghun’s tall, with a cold kind of elegance that Minsoo’s only ever seen in Dongho. Unlike Dongho though, Kyunghun fits right in with the SA1NT “pretty boy” aesthetic, long eyelashes and floppy hair pulled back into a small ponytail. Now that they’re not across a table from each other, Minsoo can tell Kyunghun’s been crying.

“Your CEO’s a bitch.”

Minsoo laughs. “Yeah, no shit. Yours is badass.”

Kyunghun gives a ghost of a smile. “He just tries to look out for us. Says we’re like his sons or something. That’s why he’s so... worried. About Minsung.”

“Oh. He... knew about Minsung being gay?”

“Well, I mean... Minsung texted our group chat- the one with the CEO and our manager in it- and literally just said ‘just so you know, I’m gay’ and then he stopped at the dorm for maybe five minutes just to tell me we can’t be together now and now he’s gone. So-“

“You’re his boyfriend? Or, well-“

Kyunghun sighs. “He wanted your parents’ approval. My parents are fine with me dating whoever, so he wanted to at least try to get his to be on a similar page.”

“I’m sorry,” Minsoo says quietly.

“You don’t need to apologize, Minsoo-yah. I promise.” Kyunghun gives a sad, sad smile and they stand in silence until the elevator reaches the second floor.

“Do you want to go sit in the break room until the meeting’s done?”

“Sure. That sounds nice.”

———

The moment he’s home, Minsoo toes off his shoes and hangs up his puffer coat before heading straight to his and Dongho’s room. As expected, Dongho quietly enters a minute or two later, shutting the door behind him.

He takes a seat next to Minsoo on the bottom bunk, holding his arms open. Minsoo’s happy to crash into Dongho’s chest and just be held for a while, and Dongho plays with his hair and hums gently.

“That was the most horrible meeting I’ve been to.”

“I bet. Was it just you and the CEO?”

“Nah. XR’s CEO and SA1NT’s manager and one of Minsung’s groupmates was there. The one Minsung was going to date or something.” Minsoo’s voice trails off, silence settling over the room.

“Oh.”

Minsoo lets out a long, shuddering breath, before very quietly saying, “Never let the CEO know you’re gay. He’s just- he’s fucking evil.”

Nothing more has to be said.

Dongho leaves his arms wrapped around Minsoo, who’s terribly shaky, until they hear quiet footsteps approaching and Minsoo pushes himself away from Dongho for the second time that day.

Jaewon’s the one to poke his head in this time. “Ah, hi hyungs. Dae’s thinking of ordering something for lunch soon, so uh... be sure to let him know if you want anything!”

“Thank you, Jaewon. I think Minsoo and I will be out in just a bit.”

The door clicks shut again and Minsoo tiredly leans his head against Dongho’s shoulder.

“...I’m assuming that when you said not to tell the CEO you meant to not tell Daehyun and Jaewon as well, right?”

Minsoo nods.

“Aish... Soo, we’re supposed to be good role models for them and that means telling the truth and stuff. Maybe if I told them, Jaewon would open up about the scandals or something...”

“No. Dongho, if the CEO finds out, I- I just don’t want you getting turned into the headline maker.”

Dongho pats Minsoo’s head. “Alright. I won’t tell them for now. Now, come on, let’s go see where Dae’s ordering from. I swear, if he’s just ordering chicken-“

There’s a small smile on Minsoo’s face. “We probably should go check on him, shouldn’t we.”

———

Minsung’s been gone for three days, and Minsoo jumps to answer every phone call he gets just in case it’s about Minsung.

Most of the time, it’s spam, and once it was Dongho calling to ask if they were out of milk. Minsoo doesn’t even get many phone calls.

For the first time that day, his phone rings, and he freezes when he hears the ringtone. His mom’s ringtone. Apprehensively, Minsoo picks up the phone.

“Hello. Can I help you?”

“Ah, Minsoo! Your father and I are just wondering if you’ve heard any news about Minsung, he’s-“

“Missing. Because he’s got horribly homophobic parents.”

The line’s silent for a moment.

“The company isn’t telling us anything, has he been found yet?”

“Answer this for me: did you disown him?”

There’s a pause.

“Your... dad... said somethings he didn’t exactly mean. You know, it’s just awfully sudden and we really didn’t expect either of you to-“

“I’m not going to tell you shit. You can find out on the news like everyone else. Don’t try to call me again unless it’s to properly apologize, okay?”

Minsoo hangs up. Daehyun and Jaewon are staring at him from across the practice room, and Minsoo’s so so happy Dongho’s getting drinks from the vending machine.

“Hyung, did you just hang up on your mom?”

“You know what Dae? Yes, I did. And I don’t care what she thinks.”

Jaewon’s staring at Dae, slightly scared looking, and Daehyun’s just staring at Minsoo, shocked. Then Dongho walks in, four cans in hand, and freezes.

“What the hell did I miss?”

———

Kyunghun texts Minsoo the evening of the sixth day of Minsung’s disappearance. “He’s back. I’d call you, but we’re getting dragged into meetings about our comeback schedule that’s happening in two days TT-TT”

Minsoo smiles at the message, and types out a quick thank you before telling the rest of MAYHEM.

They’re piled on the sofa watching a drama, but Dongho pauses it when he spots Minsoo walking towards them with a slight grin.

“I’m guessing there’s something you’d like to share?”

“Minsung’s home. I just got a text from his groupmate, they’re apparently planning to resume promotions in two days.”

Daehyun winces. “Two days? That’s... rough.”

Jaewon nods in agreement, but gives a slight smile to Minsoo. “I’m glad Minsung’s safe!”

“I am too. Now move over, I wanna watch with you.”

Minsoo ends up wedged between Daehyun and Dongho, legs resting across the older’s lap. It’s admittedly quite comfortable to all be piled together, especially with how cold it gets in the city at night.

He can’t help but wish it was just him and Dongho.

———

There’s an official announcement from XR about Minsung’s return and the new comeback schedule. Somehow, SA1NT managed to snag spots on many of the shows they had been scheduled on originally, and privately, Minsoo’s sure it’s because of the money XR’s got.

When SA1NT’s first performance does happen, though, there’s something so obviously wrong with Minsung.Sure, he’s smiling and laughing along with the others, but it looks so, so forced and fake. His eyes don’t change, always looking cold and glazed over, as if Minsung’s not really paying attention to what’s going on around him.

It’s worrying. Even more so when Kyunghun seems to be in a similar state, always shooting quick glances at Minsung in hopes of catching his eyes.

Minsoo calls Minsung halfway through SA1NT’s promotion week. This time, Minsung picks up.

“Hey, Minsoo. What’s up?”

“I just wanted to check on you. You...you’re doing alright?”

Minsung laughs quietly to himself, Minsoo’s phone speaking making it sound even faker than it probably is. “I’m fine, Soo. I promise. I just needed a little time to myself after the whole dinner thing. Are you okay, though? I... don’t know if mom and dad have been texting you, but-“

“...mom called after you disappeared. She wanted me to tell her where you were. I didn’t, since, y’know, I didn’t know where you were, and I think I pissed her off enough that she’s gonna disown me, so that’s fun.”

“Aish. Well, you don’t have to worry about money or anything, I hear MAYHEM’s doing very well these days, and I’m able to give you money if you need it.”

“Hyung, you don’t need to-“

“You’re my brother. At this point, I think we’re the only family we’ve got. It’d be stupid of me not to support you if you need it. I-oh, I have to go. Thank you for calling, Minsoo. It’s nice getting to talk to you.”

“Ah, bye Minsung. Take care of yourself, okay?”

“...will do. Bye, Soo.”

Minsung hangs up, and Minsoo stares at his phone for a moment. Something’s off with Minsung.

———

Minsoo’s on edge for the rest of the week, keeping a close eye on SA1NT’s performances and an even closer eye on Minsung. He’s texted Kyunghun, asking him to watch Minsung, and he’s even followed the official SA1NT twitter just in case there are any emergency updates.

Nothing bad seems to happen. SA1NT win an award from some music show, they have a celebratory livestream, and Minsung seems to be the perfect leader throughout the whole thing. He even apologizes to SA1NT’s fans for the fifth time that week for his sudden disappearance, explaining that he just needed some time away from the chaos of promotions.

The fans buy it. There’s petitions for SA1NT to get more breaks, for the company to give SA1NT more relaxed schedules, and all in all it’s one of the more positive days on twitter.

Minsoo manages to fall asleep that night fairly relaxed, somewhat reassured that things seem to be getting better.

And then he’s woken up by his phone ringing at one in the morning. He scrambles down the ladder to pick it up, sees that it’s Kyunghun, and answers the call.

“What’s going on, Kyunghun?”

“Minsung’s gone again. He’s not answering his phone either. He was in his room earlier, I swear he was, but he’s just... gone.”

Minsoo sucks in a shuddering breath, a cold sense of dread running down his spine. “Are the police looking?”

“Yea, they’ve got people out looking for him. It shouldn’t be hard, you’ve seen his hair. Anyway, sorry for waking you up. I’ll text you if there’s any news, ok?”

“Sounds good. Thank you, Kyunghun.”

“You’re welcome.”

Minsoo drifts out to the living room to sit on the couch, fingers fidgeting with his phone ring. Something is horribly wrong. He can tell.

Time passes. Minsoo can’t remember if he fell asleep or just zoned out.

His phone buzzed, though.

His manager’s calling.

“Hello Minsoo. Apologies for the late hour, I’m going to be picking you up in twenty minutes or so.”

Minsoo can barely speak, his voice hardly above a whisper. “It- this is about... Minsung. Isn’t it.”

There’s a pause.

A sigh on the other end of the phone.

“It is. I don’t know the full details yet, but I assume you’ll find that out.”

“Al-alright then. See you soon.”

Minsoo hangs up and the clock in the living glows a bright green 2:11 in the corner. Dazed, he grabs one of his hoodies and slips on a pair of shoes, sitting in the entryway to wait for his manager to arrive.

When he does, Minsoo tugs on his puffer coat and walks out into the cold early-December night. Neither he nor his manager speaks throughout the drive, not even when they pull up at the hospital and Minsoo can spot SA1NT piling out of their van at the entryway.

Kyunghun spots him. He mouths _do you know?_ to Minsoo, who shrugs and hurries to join their huddle. Half of SA1NT isn’t wearing proper jackets, and their manager is quick to usher them inside.

They’re rushed through the hospital, down long, confusing hallways until they reach a private waiting room.

The youngest two curl up in a chair together, the older carefully covering the both of them with his jacket.

One of the older members, Youngjoon, falls asleep in his chair quickly, his navy hair fluffy and messy.

Kyunghun sits in the corner chair, eyes trained on the small tv hanging on the wall. Minsoo sits a few seats down from him.

They find out what happened much sooner than the others. Even though the sound’s turned off, the news subtitles still roll across the screen.

“Lee Minsung of SA1NT is reported to have committed suicide by jumping off of a bridge earlier this morning.”

———

Minsoo comes back to the dorm at 7 in the morning. It’s silent as he toes off his shoes and hangs his coat up. Jaewon moves as if to stand up to do something, but Minsoo shakes his head.

“I’m going to sleep. Get Dongho to wake me up if it’s serious.”

He walks to their room and shuts the door behind him. It’s still quiet in the living room. Blankly, Minsoo tugs off his sweatshirt, hoping the hospital smell isn’t stuck in the fabric, and changes into another pair of sweatpants.

One of Dongho’s hoodies is folded on Minsoo’s chair. He doesn’t hesitate to slip it on, and then crashes onto the closest bed- Dongho’s.

It’s hard to believe he hasn’t cried yet. After all, he just lost his brother. The only family he had left.

_Minsung’s gone._


	2. DAEHYUN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentioned Eating Disorders, Suicide, and Mentioned Insomnia

Dae feels horrible. He also feels guilty for feeling like that.

After all, Minsoo’s dealing with the loss of his brother, and seemingly getting disowned by his parents. It’s not hard to tell, either. He spends most days in bed, blankets piled around him, and on the few occasions Dongho’s managed to pull Minsoo out of their room to eat breakfast or even just sit on the couch, Minsoo’s just sat and stared off at nothing, eyes unfocused and clearly not there.

It’s just Daehyun and Jaewon and DonghoandMinsoo.

Daehyun envies them, and it makes him so annoyed that he feels like that. He has no right to be upset, he hasn’t lost that much yet. He still feels horribly guilty for other reasons, too.

———

He should have done something. He should have stopped Minseok back when they were kids, -well, it’s debatable whether or not Daehyun ever really stopped being a kid- or at least back before they were thrown face to face with the real world and all that came with it.

He should have done something when Minyoung asked to meet at the train station- the same train station they’d met at before they lost whatever childlike innocence they had- and she’d shown up perfectly playing the part of an idol trainee, outfit and hair and face and body all fitting into the role. Would it had changed anything if he had confessed then? If he had said how he’d always loved her?

He should have done something when they met again later, both debuted idols by then. Maybe he should have tried to have more conversation with her, to distract her from Wyld (if that would have even been possible). Or maybe to have interfered when she kissed Jaewon. What good would that do, though?

He could have at least done something more after her predebut photos got leaked. That wasn’t the time to confess, he knows that now. But he could have at least tried to be a better source of comfort for Minyoung, even if he had no clue how to then and still no clue now. Couldn’t he have at least done that?

———

Bitterly, Daehyun turns over in his bunk, facing his pile of plushies. It’s cold outside- inside the dorm, too- with snow blanketing the city. He’s not really sure if he remembers it correctly anymore, but maybe winter was Minyoung’s favorite season. He’s not even sure what her favorite color was anymore. Was it pink? Or was that just her way of trying to fit herself into the impossible box of societal standards, the exact same thing that-

He doesn’t want to think about it.

About how he got called at five in the morning by one of Minyoung’s groupmates, the nice one with fluffy black hair cut into a bob (yoomi?) and she’d told him, shakily, that Minyoung had been hospitalized.

About how he’d sat next to Minyoung’s bedside, holding her hand- her cold, cold hand- and doctors had bustled in and out of the room, checking machines and frowning and adjusting and then coming back to repeat the process again thirty minutes later.

About how she’d been so peaceful looking, even with thin fingers and thin wrists and thin arms, hair lying gracefully around her thin face.

About how one of the girls, the blond (maybe her name’s koko) had looked out the window and gasped at the snow falling oh so gently onto the city. Daehyun had glanced out the window for a moment, memories of the winter he spent busking with Minyoung flashing past and then he had been gripped by reality with one loud beep.

He doesn’t want to think about it, but there’s nothing else to, really.

Minyoung passed away in the early evening of December 5th. She had fainted early in the morning from low blood sugar and, between her low body weight and low body heat and the low temperatures outside, she never woke up. She was peaceful, though, and Daehyun can’t understand why.

How could she have been peaceful, when it seemed as though she was constantly fighting society, fighting herself, fighting people who told her she could never be beautiful?

———

In Dae’s mind, it’s all Minseok’s fault.

He was, after all, the one who told Minyoung she’d never be an idol. The one who technically sparked the idea that Minyoung was ugly. And he was, after all, the one who leaked her predebut photos.

Daehyun doesn’t get mad. Usually.

But Minseok’s a model now, isn’t he? Signed under the same company as Minyoung. And sure, he won’t receive as much backlash as if he were an idol, but still: who wants a bully in their company?

Minseok ruined Minyoung’s career, so why can’t Daehyun ruin his?

Really, it’s simple. Far too simple. A fake account to post on the forum, a few photos of Minseok and Minyoung together from middle school, a few photos taken of them both at company events, and an anonymous story.

I attended the same middle school as Minyoung-ssi and a model, Minseok-ssi, who’s signed under the same company as MARSHMELLO. While we were in middle school, he often ridiculed Minyoung-ssi for her weight and told her she’d never be an idol looking like that. She left the school after a while, and I didn’t see her after that until she debuted with MARSHMELLO. Minseok-ssi also leaked her predebut photos to the press. Really, I hope Minyoung-ssi rests in peace now that she doesn’t have to put up with his bullying. I hope it didn’t continue once he joined SHC. Rest well, Minyoung-ssi.

———

It’s all too simple.

Too simple to plan.

Too simple to post.

Too simple for everything about it to spiral out of Daehyun’s control.

The post went viral, tabloids and normal news sites alike picking up the story.

With the publicity also came the rage of both fans and non-fans, the story getting spun into the tragic tale of how Minyoung, a girl with such a beautiful voice and wonderful skill, was driven to get surgery after surgery and eventually starve herself to death by some villain named Minseok.

Minseok was fired, as revealed in an official statement from SHC that afternoon. “After meeting with the heads of SHC, Minseok willingly confessed to all accusations made against him. It was decided to be in the company’s best interests for him to depart.”

Daehyun was satisfied. He’d done what he needed to, what he should have done years before. Or at least something to make up for his previous failure.

Other people, it seemed, were not satisfied, namely those who had become drawn to the story for the drama, who wanted to see true justice be served.

They chose a much different way to express things than Daehyun, however. The comments on Minseok’s instagram posts were horrible, filled with hate, even on posts a over a year old.

Minseok’s instagram deactivated before the end of the week, a simple tweet explaining he was tired of the hate.

A few days later his twitter, too, deactivated.

Daehyun was relieved. Finally, all this drama could be over and Minyoung could rest peacefully.

———

The news broke the night before Minyoung’s funeral.

Minseok had hung himself in his apartment.

He had been pronounced dead at the scene.

Daehyun nearly threw up after hearing the news. It was his fault. He killed someone.

———

Minyoung’s funeral was private, just family and friends. Daehyun stood towards the back, quiet throughout the service.

He was no better than Minseok now, was he. Hadn’t they both killed someone now?

The remaining members of MARSHMELLO made no mention of the other boy. They instead quietly talked to Dae, reminiscing on stories about Minyoung.

If they were surprised when he mentioned he had been friend with both Minseok and Minyoung, neither Yoomi nor Koko showed it. They merely nodded, sad smiles painted on their faces as he talked about his little middle school busking group.

He didn’t want publicity about himself after the death- well, deaths, now. It was over, and as far as anyone was concerned he wasn’t involved in either.

But two days after the first funeral, Daehyun woke to find that someone had sent a photo to a newspaper, one of him and Minyoung and Minseok.

Now, the news was all about him, the idol who so tragically lost two of his friends within a week.

And with it came the misplaced emotions, people’s grief and disbelief all turning into anger.

Why didn’t he do something? Why did he not step in? Why didn’t he tell anyone?

Really, he’s not sure what’s worse: the hate online that’s driven him to delete twitter from his phone or the cameras that flash at him whenever he leaves the house or the horrible looks of pity his hyungs give him.

It’s the pity, for sure.

It’s because he doesn’t deserve it. Daehyun never did anything to help Minyoung, never did anything to stop her. He made their only mutual friend lose his job, and had been the one to make the post that eventually drove Minseok to suicide.

———

And now, he lies on his bunk in silence, snow still blanketing the city in the same way it did the evening Minyoung died. He’s got nothing left but guilt.

The hours of the night tick by slowly, Jaewon’s alarm clock glowing a faint red from his dresser. The older’s sound asleep in the top bunk.

Daehyun lays awake, though, a plush dolphin that Minyoung bought him clutched tightly in his arms.

He’s so horribly lonely. His friends are either dead or grieving their own losses or they’re already trying to hold someone else together or all they can do is just stare at Daehyun with sad, sad pitiful eyes.

He’s alone most days, choosing to find some comfortable corner of the apartment to curl up in with a blanket and his phone until someone pulls him to the kitchen to eat something.

At night he’s unable to sleep, all the what ifs and shame and guilt and-

it’s cold. He’s always cold.

And he’s too numb with guilt to care.


	3. DONGHO

Dongho is many things. He's the son of Mr. and Mrs. Kang, heir to the Kang family company and all the money that comes with it. He's a dancer, a music producer, a rapper, a singer.

Most importantly, he's the oldest member of MAYHEM, the one whom the others can come to for advice, the one Minsoo can rely on to lead when he's unable to do so himself.

He's supposed to know how to deal with this.

Minsoo's grieving, both for losing his parents and for losing his brother. Daehyun, too, is grieving, and Dongho's got a sinking feeling that there's something else going on with the maknae. Jaewon's still getting in trouble with the company, still having scandals, and they're still probably fake.

Dongho's supposed to know how to handle this. And he doesn't.

———

Minsoo's curled up next to him when he wakes up. The leader's spent most nights in Dongho's bunk since the start of December, and he's just grown used to it.

Tiredly, Dongho ruffles Minsoo's slightly grown-out silver hair and tucks blankets around him, the younger still sleeping.

He'll try to get him to eat breakfast. Later, though.

Daehyun's sitting in a corner of the living room when Dongho walks in, earbuds in and head leaning against one of the walls. He looks out of it, numb to the world around him.

Dongho might try to get him to eat breakfast. Or at least lunch.

Jaewon's not up yet. It's far too obvious by now what that means. Dongho sighs and turns off his own twitter notifications. He's sure Jaewon's scandals aren't real. It's the only logical explanation.

Still, there's some part of him that wishes he never had that realization. Maybe then he'd be able to look at the headlines about Jaewon and not feel a pang of horrible crawling guilt in the back of his throat. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt to watch Jaewon practically tear himself apart over the hate.

Dongho doesn't like to think like that. It happens anyway.

———

Maybe it's a good thing that the melancholic routine within the dorm gets broken one day.

Sure, it's just Minsoo wandering around the dorm trying to prepare for his brother's funeral, but it seems to jolt everyone awake for a bit.

"I swear to god, Minsung would have never wanted this," Minsoo grumbles, trying to knot his tie properly.

Dongho just sighs and waves Minsoo over to him. "It's just proper, Soo. You know that. Besides, we both know that someone's going to take photos."

Groaning, Minsoo rolls his eyes. "I'm just saying, he would have wanted us wearing hoodies 'n shit. _He_ never liked suits, I know that much."

"It's just proper. Good manners or something," Dongho replies quietly, tugging a crisp knot into Minsoo's tie. "You have to go soon, don't you. Make sure you've got the right socks on-"

"Dress socks are stupid and we both know it."

"They make your shoes fit right. You have the right coat, right? Not the puffer coat, the one I made you get?"

"Yes, hyung. It's on the rack." Minsoo tugs at his tie a bit, glancing in the mirror. "I swear to god, if they make me give a speech-"

"They would have told you ahead of time, Soo. I'll see you when you get back, yeah?"

"...yeah. Not until three though. Oh, if you order food for lunch-"

"I'll save you some, don't worry." Dongho ruffles Minsoo's hair, messing up the already messy silver strands.

"Hey, now I've gotta restyle this," Minsoo pouts.

"Go do that then. It'll be fine, Soo. Promise."

———

MAYHEM's on break until the 15th. No group practices, no vocal lessons, nothing. Dongho's itching to dance, though. Or to at least work on music.

He's a workaholic. He knows it. Just sitting idly around the dorm is so unappealing to him, and yet that's what he's being told to do.

So it's of small comfort to him when Minsoo walks out of their room, his phone in hand, eyes missing the worrying dullness they'd had for the past couple of weeks.

"We're filming some sort of season's greetings video on the 16th," Minsoo says blankly.

Jaewon nods blearily, clear bags under his eyes.

_i should make sure he sleeps more_

Daehyun barely reacts, just slowly blinking at the leader in some sort of acknowledgment.

_...i need to make sure he's doing alright_

Minsoo just sighs, and takes a long sip of his coffee, eyes still horribly blank.

_i should find out if he's actually ok._

"Well, we're free to do whatever until then. Dongho, you're welcome to go dance or work on music or whatever. I think Jaewon and I will be able to keep things sane here."

Dongho frowns. "Are you sure? You've kinda been... out of it for the past few days, I don't want you to feel overworked."

"Hyung. We're off work. Until the 16. I'll be fine. I know you've probably been wanting to go work for a while now, so go! Have fun making music or whatever it is you're going to do."

Jaewon nods, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. "You can go, hyung. I'll make sure everyone eats."

"...alright. I guess I'll go. I'll... probably stay until after lunch, if that's alright?"

"Just go," Minsoo says quietly, rolling his eyes.

Dongho raises his hands in mock-surrender, and stand up from the table. "Let me know if we need anything from the store, as well. I'll grab it on my way back."

"Go, hyung."

"I'm going! Aish!"

———

Dongho's stressed. It's clear he's the only one in the group without his own burden, and that he's choosing to bear the others' burdens alongside them. Not that it seems to help much.

When he does finally get to his studio, after feeling the satisfying click of his key in the lock that he'd missed so so much over the past couple weeks, he heads directly to his keyboard. It's just his thing: when he's stressed, he plays the piano. Nothing in particular, just whatever comes to mind: old pop songs, some of MAYHEM's pieces, even a few original compositions that Dongho never plans on releasing.

It's soothing, and Dongho loses track of time easily.

After one of his fingers scratches the side of a key and starts bleeding, Dongho has to stop. He goes to grab a bandaid from his bag, but pauses for a moment after seeing the time. 12:07.

_shit. i need to eat something, don't i._

Groaning, Dongho unwraps the bandage and carefully sticks it on his finger. His joints crack as he stands up from his keyboard, just one of the side affects from years of dancing, and he stretches his back out before slinging his bag over his shoulder.

_i should check out that cafe jaewon likes. maybe i can grab everyone else coffees, too._

———

The dorm's still unnaturally silent when Dongho comes back, drinks in hand. An iced americano for Jaewon, a caramel macchiato for Minsoo with the extra espresso shots he always orders, and the fruity tea that Daehyun likes to get.

None of them are festive in any way, but the cupsleeves still have a little embossed "happy holidays!" on them.

Really, nothing seems very festive to Dongho. Not when most of December had been full of loss, when Minsoo and Daehyun spent so much of their time still trying to process what had happened.

He just sighs, and places the drinks on the counter.

_Maybe we should get a Christmas tree. Try and make the end of the year happy, at least._

———

Dongho's never been good at dealing with stress. That's a fact that will never change. He'll always just chose to work himself to the bone, no matter how detrimental to his health it is.

And so he falls into a new routine: he spends his afternoons, his evenings, his late nights cooped up in the company building. Mornings are spent with the group, making sure that everyone's okay and hopefully not on the verge of a mental breakdown.

When he does finally get to the company, he'll work out in the gym for a few hours, or at least until his muscles start cramping.

Then he'll move to his studio, where he writes and composes and rearranges melodies on his computer to create perfect songs. He'll play his piano, too, always playing it until his fingers start bleeding. There's a reason he got a keyboard without white keys.

The practice room is where he goes last, but not to run over MAYHEM's choreography. Dongho puts on a playlist and he'll lose himself to the music, dancing the way he trained to before joining the company, with pirouettes and arabesques: the kind of dance he'll always love.

He'll dance until his legs start wobbling, until he starts falling out of turns and nearly spraining his ankles, until his eyelids feel heavy and he looks at the time and sees it's nearly 1 am.

The others are always asleep when he gets home. Dongho just changes into pajamas and slips under the blankets on his bed, curling up next to Minsoo.

And then he just wakes up to do it all again the next day.

———

Dongho gets a week of his new schedule with no interruptions. And then, the night before MAYHEM returns from their break, he gets a phone call while in his studio.

A call from his mom.

Apprehensively, he picks up. Usually calls from his parents aren't good news, always something about the company- the family company, the one Dongho's set to inherit- and he hates hearing about the company he has absolutely no interest in managing.

"Hello?"

His mom's voice is weak and crackly over his phone speakers, but he doesn't mind. It makes what she says less real.

"I want you to take over the company. As soon as possible."

"Mom, I can't do that. I've got the group, and I'm producing tracks for both them and some other artists and-"

"Dongho. I don't care. You're the only available heir at the moment, and we need someone to step in."

Dongho frowns. "What about dad. Is he not running the company?"

"He passed away last night. Bad crash on the road leading up here, you remember how icy it gets."

"Can you not run things for a few years?"

"I could. But we both know how that would look, don't we. I expect an email with your decision by the 20th. Bye for now."

There's the beep of his mom hanging up, and Dongho drops his phone on his desk, burying his face in his hands.

He's 25. And they want him to run the family company.

He can't. He's got MAYHEM to take care of, to be the quietly supportive oldest member for, he can't leave them.

Dongho can feel his hands subconsciously tugging at his hair.

This is all too stressful for him. He's already under enough stress just trying to check up on the younger three, and he's read more than enough self-help books to know that pulling at his hair is not a good coping mechanism for any of this.

Letting out a shaking breath, Dongho pushes away from his desk and sits at his keyboard instead. He's glad the piano keys were never white.

———

It must be hours later when he opens the door to the practice room. Quietly, he locks the door behind him and slips his shoes off in the corner, dropping his bag next to them.

Once his phone's connected to the speaker system, he struggles to put on music. The phone won't register when he taps the screen, fingers still shaking and covered in cuts and scratches. Eventually, he manages to turn on one playlist, and Dongho settles on the floor to start stretching.

He knows his old teachers would yell at him, but he hurries through his warm-ups regardless, not caring about the fact he'll pay for it later. Dongho _needs_ to dance, needs to lose himself to the mindlessness of running through old choreography, pieces he's known for years, and performed enough to be able to run through them blindfolded.

Dance is the only thing his parents could never take from him. It has to be the thing that can calm him down. It _has_ to be. Surely, it is.

Dongho pays no attention to the way his muscles and joints scream at him as he runs through his old choreography. He's still too tense to be pulling off most of the moves, but he does anyway. He falls out of turns, lands jumps far too stiffly, and eventually pulls the athletic tape from his bag after one particularly bad fall on his knee.

Still, he dances, struggling through choreography that should be second nature, and covering his legs and arms and shoulders in athletic tape in some sort of Hail Mary, a desperate plea against his body to keep dancing.

Finally, he finishes the last dance from his playlist for what must be the third time that night, and Dongho _finally_ lets himself collapse to the floor.

———

It's late when Dongho trudges home, slips his shoes off at the door, and hangs his puffer coat on the coat rack. The dorm's dark and quiet, everyone else asleep. Quickly, Dongho slips down the hallway into his and Minsoo's room.

The leader's sitting on Dongho's bed, playing around on his phone, silver hair messy. He looks up when Dongho comes in, a look of relief on his face.

"I was wondering when you were getting home, hyung. It's nearly 2, and we've got a photoshoot in the morning."

"I know. I just... got caught up. With some work."

Minsoo frowns, walking over to Dongho. He grabs one of his hands, fingers ghosting over the bruises and scabs and dried blood. "You just got caught up? What happened to your hands?

"You know," Dongho shrugs.

Minsoo lets out a tired sigh, and Dongho can see the weariness in his bones. "Go sit on your bed, ok Dongie? I'll grab the first aid kit."

Quietly, Dongho takes a seat on his bed. It's been a long time since he got this bad, all the way back when they were trainees.

Minsoo returns quickly holding the big box of first aid supplies. He plonks it down on the bed next to Dongho and then rolls his desk chair over to sit in front of the older, carefully holding his hands in his lap.

"...Dongie, you haven't been like this in-"

"Years. I know."

There's a flicker of panic in Minsoo's eyes before he sighs and pulls a disinfectant wipe out of the first aid kit. He's careful, so so careful, just like he was when they were trainees. Except now Dongho doesn't even flinch at the sting of alcohol seeping into the cuts and cracks in his fingers, and Minsoo only looks more worried.

"Did... you get bad news about something?"

Dongho nods, exhausted. "My mom wants me to take over the company."

"But... I thought your dad was in charge?"

"Car crash."

Minsoo freezes for a second, reaching for the bandaids and gauze and medical tape and ointment. He blinks a couple of times, and then resumes bandaging Dongho's fingers.

"Do you wanna talk about it? Or do you just want me to shut up."

"I don't want to talk about it. I'd... I don't want it to be quiet though."

Minsoo just nods again, and starts humming a soft tune Dongho's never heard before. It's soothing, enough for him to forget about the fact that his fingers are getting wrapped in gauze and medical tape and bandaids on the smaller cuts.

Eventually, Minsoo drops Dongho's hands and stands up to throw away the bandaid wrappers.

"It's late, Dongie. You might want to change out of your dance clothes, yeah?"

"...yeah."

Even in the dim light, he can see the tired smile on Minsoo's face. "I'll go put all of this away while you get changed, ok?"

Dongho merely nods.

It's tough to tug off his turtleneck with sore muscles and bandaged fingers, but he manages, and slips into a hoodie that was left folded on the dresser. His sweatpants are easier to get off, and he just pulls a clean pair from his wardrobe.

By the time Minsoo returns, Dongho's sat on his bed and staring blankly at the wall across from him.

Minsoo sits closer to the head of the bed and tugs gently at Dongho's arm as he lays down, pulling the older to rest against his chest. Awkwardly, Dongho tucks his legs onto the bed and tugs at the covers to cover both him and Minsoo.

He quietly threads his fingers through Dongho's hair, perfectly content with holding him in his arms. "You're like a human blanket. You know that, right?"

Dongho nods. "You're warm?"

"Yeah... I like cuddling like this."

"Mhm. 'S nice," Dongho slurs sleepily.

Minsoo nods to himself. "Good. Sleep well, okay? I'll be sure to wake you up in the morning."

———

It's a rough morning.

Minsoo's alarm goes off late. By the time he and Dongho do wander into the kitchen, Jaewon's already sitting at the table and sipping coffee.

It's 6:30. Jaewon rarely is up by 6:30. Dongho can tell he didn't sleep, since he's still wearing the same hoodie he did the night before, and as much as Jaewon can smile and act like everything's fine, he's still got horribly dark circles under his eyes.

Daehyun still isn't awake. Minsoo sends Dongho to get the youngest, and, despite the way his entire body _aches_ , Dongho gets up from the table to wake up Daehyun. The maknae's burrowed under a pile of blankets, a plush dolphin tucked in next to him, and Dongho almost regrets having to wake him up, especially when Daehyun blinks sleepily at him for a moment before staring into space with the saddest eyes Dongho's ever seen.

When their manager arrives to pick them up, he doesn't comment on their bedraggled appearance. It doesn't matter much, anyway. All their dark circles will end up covered by makeup, and they'll get made up to look perfect and shining as ever. After all, that's what sells.

It doesn't matter that Jaewon looks like he hasn't slept in days, that Daehyun looks as though he was probably crying, that Minsoo's got a scratch on his cheekbone that showed up after the funeral and that he still won't explain where it came from, and it definitely doesn't matter that Dongho barely slept for 4 hours and can't move without his muscles twinging.

They're performers. They can fake it, with clothing and makeup and plastic smiles. 

Jaewon and Daehyun fall asleep in the van, Minsoo's puffer jacket thrown over both of them. Minsoo sits up front, as usual, and mutters to himself while looking over their schedule.

" _First day back and we're already late, this is fucking great. And then we've got to do a live tomorrow, and Jaewon's going to see his mom again on the 23rd... and the New Year's party. Fucking hell I forgot about that._ "

Dongho pays no attention, instead plugging in his earbuds and shuffling through his music as he stares out the van window.

Hopefully, it won't take too long.

———

The studio's already buzzing with activity when MAYHEM arrive. They've got new stylists, one of them- seemingly the lead- ordering the others around to grab certain pallets and clothing items.

She takes one look at MAYHEM and sighs, turning to a small group of what must be makeup artists. "You're going to need the color correcting pallets, and more than likely extra concealer. I doubt any of them slept."

Maybe her words would sting a bit, but Dongho's too tired to care.

He gets pulled off to a makeup chair by one of the stylists, the rest of MAYHEM also getting directed to chairs.

"Ah, Dongho-ssi! Could you go change into this?" A male stylist smiles at him, gesturing towards the clothing hanging on a rack next to the chair.

Dongho just nods politely and grabs the hangers off of the rack, heading to the changing rooms. His outfit seems to be a red sweater and black dress pants, but he knows it'll end up getting changed.

After all, they won't want to show that Dongho's hurt. And the sweater doesn't cover his hands.

Still, Dongho returns to his chair and sits back down. The stylist stares at his hands for a moment, and then clears his throat. "Excuse me for a moment, I'll be right back."

The bustle in the studio doesn't stop, fluorescent lights beating down on everyone. Dongho stares at his hands, noting places where bandaids are starting to peel off his skin, and makes a note to change them later. 

His stylist returns, along with the lead stylist. "Are we able to let him go out with his hands like that?"

The lead stylist just sighs. "We have secondary outfits for a reason. I'll tell the others to change to outfit two, and you better get started on makeup. You've got some work to do."

Yet again, Dongho can't bring himself to care about what she has to say. He's wordlessly handed a second all-white outfit and heads off to the changing room again.

He likes this new outfit much better. It's a pair of white jeans and an oversized fluffy hoodie. It covers his hands perfectly, and the warmth of it almost soothes his aching muscles.

The stylist's organizing pallets when Dongho returns, and he smiles. "Oh good! I can start on your makeup now." 

It's somewhat amazing to watch the way the makeup artist manages to cover up the blemishes on his face. Somehow, he looks like a porcelain doll- _fake_. Dongho just lets the stylist tease at his hair, spraying it back in the usual elegantly ruffled style Dongho always has.

He's then guided over to the set: a decorated red tree on a table next to two white couches. Jaewon's already sitting on one couch, wearing a similarly fluffy hoodie, and Dongho simply sits next to him.

Daehyun and Minsoo join them shortly. It's quite comfortable, in all honesty. Jaewon's leaning on his shoulder, and seemingly nodding off to sleep. Daehyun, too, seems to be falling asleep, chin hooked over Minsoo's shoulder.

Minsoo seems perfectly awake, talking about holiday wishes for Mayniacs. He drones on for a bit about spending the holiday season with friends and "eating good food," and Jaewon's nearly asleep by the time Minsoo gestures to him to give his own small speech.

Dongho knows the video will go over well with fans. Daehyun's as sweet as usual, Jaewon seems oddly cute compared to his normal styling, and Minsoo, too, seems cute.

They won't see the way his hands are bandaged, the way Daehyun's eyes are rimmed in red, the way all four of them haven't slept.

Hopefully, none of them notice how fake they all look.

———

Daehyun falls asleep on the sofa as soon as they get home, still wearing his fluffy hoodie. Jaewon curls up next to him, and Minsoo just sighs.

"We should really make sure they get more sleep. You also need more sleep, I know you've been getting home really late."

"...maybe I should leave the studio earlier. Still, I'm trying to get some preparations done for our next comeback."

Minsoo frowns at Dongho, but says nothing.

It's not like Dongho _would_ explain, anyway. He doubts Minsoo would take the news well.

Dongho has four days to choose whether or not he'll take on the role of CEO of Kang Industries. He knows his mother won't take "no" for an answer. 

It doesn't seem like he has much of a choice, at all.


	4. JAEWON

"Ah, hyung, are you okay?"

Dongho was still focused on his laptop, just as he had for the past four days. He didn't seem to notice Jaewon calling to him.

Jaewon just sighs, and taps on Dongho's shoulder. "Hyung? Is everything okay?"

"Ah- yes, I'm fine. Just working on an email, that's all."

There was something going on. It had to be more than just an email.

But Jaewon doesn't press much further. 

———

As usual, the train ride to Daegu was quiet. Jaewon still feels guilty for leaving the other three back at the dorm, especially with Dongho starting to act the same way Daehyun has been. But he opens his phone and sees the last text from Minsoo, sent a few minutes before his train left.

"Have fun visiting your mom! I'll be sure to keep everything running smoothly here. Bring back some snacks, ok? I'm sure Dae and Dongho-hyung would like that!"

Jaewon smiles at the message, and shuts his phone back off. Instead he stares out of the window, watching the sun rise.

He'll be home in an hour. That's good enough for him.

———

"Jaewon! Welcome home!"

As usual, Mrs. Ahn is quick to hug Jaewon once he knocks on the door. Her apartment smells like a bakery, the strong scent of vanilla wafting out into the hallway.

"Ah, Mom! How are you!"

She smiles, pulling Jaewon inside. "I'm well! Everything's been going well since your last visit?"

"Yeah! We filmed a season's greetings video a few days ago, I think that's getting posted on Christmas?"

"Oh I'll look forward to it! Let me make you some tea, sit down."

Jaewon just smiles to himself, taking a seat on the couch. _She's the same as always. This is what she always does when i come visit_.

There are trays of baked goods on the counters, scones and cookies and bread. Mrs. Ahn always makes the same batches every year.

A mint box is sitting on the coffee table, the same as the one she sent back to Seoul the last time Jaewon visited. There's a card taped to this one, though.

Mrs. Ahn sits next to him on the couch, placing a cup of tea in front of him. "Are you planning to celebrate with the rest of MAYHEM?"

"Well, we haven't talked about it," Jaewon explains nervously. "I think they've... got stuff going on."

"Oh, how could I forget." Mrs. Ahn sighs to herself. "I heard about... Minsoo? His brother, right? And Daehyun, too. They're both doing alright, right?"

"I think so! Minsoo-hyung seems to be doing well, and Daehyun's doing better now, too."

"That's good to hear! I'd love to get gifts for them, but I uh... don't exactly know what they'd like," Mrs. Ahn laughs anxiously. "If you'd like to come with me-"

"I'd love to! Maybe I can get them gifts too..."

———

It's late when Jaewon's back at the train station. He's got a bag full of presents and the box of pastries, and his mom's hugging him goodbye.

"Let me know how they like their gifts!"

"I will! I hope you have a good Christmas, mom."

Mrs. Ahn smiles, and hugs Jaewon tightly again. "Stay safe, ok?"

Jaewon hugs her back even tighter. "I will. I'll try to come visit before our next comeback, so you need to stay safe too!"

"I will, Jaewon," Mrs. Ahn laughs. "Oh! Your train! You don't want to miss that!"

8:15 pm- _five minutes until Jaewon's train_.

"Ah, I'll have to go now. Goodbye Mom, love you!"

"Love you too, Jaewon! Travel safe!"

Cold wind blowing at his hood, Jaewon sets off at a brisk walk towards his terminal, waving farewell to his mom.

He misses her already.

———

There's a tree in the living room. A tall, white tree. That wasn't there when Jaewon left in the morning.

Boxes of what seem to be ornaments and lights sit on the floor next to it, and Dongho's still sitting on the couch typing away at his laptop.

"Hello, Jaewon-ah. I thought you might be staying at your mom's overnight."

"Ah, no. I didn't want to spend too much time away from the dorm," Jaewon explains quickly. "Did... you guys get a tree?"

"I ordered it a few days ago. Figured we needed something festive in the dorm. I think we'll be decorating tomorrow, or maybe Christmas Eve." Dongho sighs, and turns back to his laptop.

"Be sure to go to bed at some point, hyung. Okay?"

"I will, don't worry. Just need to finish this email."

Jaewon smiles, and sets the box of pastries in the kitchen. He'll keep the presents in his room, at least until the tree's decorated.

Assumedly, Minsoo's asleep. Or, more likely, gaming. Daehyun's sleeping when Jaewon walks into their room, holding onto a plush dolphin. It's nice to see Daehyun look peaceful for once, instead of in his oddly sad trance he seems to be in most days.

Jaewon can only hope they'll be back to some sort of normal by Christmas. Or at least New Year's.

———

The days pass by quickly, and soon it's Christmas Eve. It's encouraging to see Daehyun smiling and joking around with Minsoo as always, and even Dongho seems relaxed. Jaewon's happy.

Minsoo walks around the tree, laughing. "Hyung, how much did this cost?"

Dongho just shrugs. "I paid with my mom's card. Who cares." He stares at the tree again, and then at the boxes of glittering red and black ornaments. "I did pay for the quickest shipping possible. Does that answer your question?"

There's a stunned silence for a moment, and then Minsoo cackles. "God, it must be nice having that kind of money. I'd buy a new setup, for sure."

"...I'm sure you would, Soo." Dongho stares off to the side for a moment, biting at his lip. "Anyway. Should we start decorating this thing?"

"Yes! It's a MAYHEM tree, right?" Daehyun leaps up from the couch excitedly, eyes sparkling with glee for what must be the first time in weeks.

"Well our colors are black and red, aren't they? And those are black and red ornaments! Plus we're MAYHEM! So it has to be!" Minsoo cheers, running into the kitchen. "Who wants some soju?"

Jaewon laughs. "I'll only have a bit, I can't handle alcohol."

"Aish, Soo, we don't need to get drunk. At least get some soda too."

Minsoo sighs, but brings sodas over regardless.

For a few hours, the dorm is loud and cheerful, surely aided by the shots most of MAYHEM are taking.

The tree ends up sparkling and glittery, white and red lights refracting off every single shining ornament.

Dongho disappears into his room for a few minutes, but returns shortly holding wrapped boxes. "Wanted to get some things for you guys. I know we didn't talk about it or anything, but please don't feel like you need to get me anything. I'm just happy to have you guys."

_He must be drunk. Dongho-hyung's never sentimental._

Daehyun perks up a bit. "Oh, my parents gave me gifts for you all. Should I get those out?"

Minsoo just shrugs, more than a bit tipsy. "Sure! Wonnie, do you have gifts?"

"Yeah, hyung. I'll go grab those I guess!"

The tree looks complete with gifts under it. Dongho's are all wrapped in crisp white paper, Dae's in cheerful snowflake patterns, and Jaewon's in a mint color similar to the box of pastries from his mom.

Minsoo, too, places gifts under the tree. Small white gift bags stuffed with sparkling white and silver tissue paper. He glares at them for a second.

"They look small compared to yours. That's not right...."

Dongho just pats his shoulder. "It's fine, Soo. They're from you, and that's what matters to us, right guys?"

Daehyun nods excitedly, obviously drunk, and Jaewon stifles a laugh before nodding. "Yeah, hyung! It's from you, and that's great!"

"Aish, you're being too cute. Dongho, tell them to stop doing aegyo."

"...They're not doing aegyo. Come on, I'm getting you some water."

———

It's cold when Jaewon wakes up Christmas morning.

"Hyung! It snowed more!"

Daehyun's staring out of their bedroom window, a blanket draped across his shoulders like a cape.

"Did it? Ah, we might want to turn the heat on then. At least make sure that Dongho and Minsoo hyung are warmer..."

"I think they've been sleeping together," Daehyun says suddenly. "Or.. well.. I think I walked in on them cuddling."

"Oh! I thought they looked closer. As long as they're happy, that's good!"

Daehyun just nods seriously before putting his glasses on. "They should be happy."

Just then, Minsoo pops his head in the door. "Get in here! We've got coffee!"

When Daehyun and Jaewon make it into the living room, the tree's lit up and glittering, seemingly more presents from Minsoo having been added to the pile under the tree.

"Come on, let's open stuff!" Minsoo's bouncing around excitedly, just the way he normally is.

Dongho just sighs. "Shouldn't we eat something first? Mrs. Ahn sent us pastries, remember?"

Minsoo's eyes light up, glancing over to Jaewon. When he nods, Minsoo makes a beeline to the kitchen, Daehyun following behind him.

Dongho waits for Jaewon before following the group. They spend a while drinking coffee and enjoying the pastries. It's warmer in the dorm when they're all together.

When he's not eating, Minsoo's attempting to sing Christmas carols, Dongho watching him and trying not to laugh. Daehyun's focused on the food, excited by the new pastries Mrs. Ahn made, and Jaewon is just watching, happy and content. For once, they're all happy. There aren't any serious scandals looming overhead, whatever was stressing out Dongho seems to have vanished, and both Minsoo and Daehyun seem to be almost back to normal.

It's nice.

———

By lunchtime, they're all sprawled out in the living room, wrapping paper strewn about the room. Minsoo's muttering something about ordering lunch, and Dongho's asleep on the couch. Daehyun's playing Animal Crossing on his switch, the game being a gift from Minsoo.

Jaewon's scrolling through twitter. His phone buzzes.

_It's the CEO_

"I'm expecting you to go to Excalibur tonight. It shouldn't be any different than your normal club scenarios. Dress appropriately."

The temperature seems to drop.

_no no no everything's getting better i can't mess it all up now_

He knows better than to disobey the CEO.

"Alright. 7pm?"

"Perfect. I'll tell you how you did in the morning."

With a sigh, Jaewon turns off his phone.

Minsoo looks up at him, a hopeful smile on his face. "Wanna order food?"

"Sure, hyung. What do you want to get?"

———

Silk shirts are not meant to be worn in December, especially when there's snow on the ground. Jaewon shivers, walking briskly towards hist target for the night: the club. His coat, a faux fur one he borrowed from the stylists, doesn't do much to keep in heat, and his shiny leather jeans don't protect against the cold, either.

Jaewon should be thankful that there's no line to get in, since it means less time outside, but he doesn't want to be here. He'd rather be at home, curled up on the couch with the others watching a movie.

Inside, the club's almost too hot. There's a number of people on the dance floor, many dressed in festive colors or wearing cheap holiday hats. Jaewon just lets his fur coat drape off his shoulders, hoping to keep from overheating in anyway, and heads towards a secluded corner booth.

One of the staff comes around to ask if he wants anything to drink. Jaewon asks for water.

The waitress returns with a bottle of champagne and two empty flutes alongside a glass of water.

Jaewon clears his throat, and politely asks "I- uh... I didn't order champagne?" 

"A girl ordered a bottle of champagne to this table. Did you come here with anyone?"

"No, I'm just by myself. Can you take the bottle back?"

"...sue thing, sir. Is that all I can do for you tonight?"

"I think so. Thank you!"

The waitress gives a polite smile and places Jaewon's glass of water on the table, leaving with the bottle of champagne.

Tiredly, Jaewon takes a sip. He hates clubs. They're too loud and smell too much like alcohol and people always hit on him whether he likes it or not. Tonight is no exception.

A girl wanders over to his table, long black hair neatly straightened, a crimson slip dress on. She's also wearing a fur coat, but instead of the silvery-grey of Jaewon's, hers is pure white. She's pretty. But very clearly only talking to Jaewon for one reason.

"Hello, _Wyld_. Didn't think I'd be seeing you here tonight, so I simply couldn't pass up the opportunity." She frowns, looking at the table. "Did you not get the champagne?"

"I did, but I sent it back. I don't tend to drink champagne except for celebrations," Jaewon fibs.

"Oh, of course. You're more into whisky, aren't you?"

Without a moment's hesitation, Jaewon lifts his glass up a bit. "Vodka."

The girl slides into the booth, pressing up against Jaewon. "Oh, you like it strong? Good to know. So, Wyld, how long have you been here tonight?"

Jaewon frowns a bit. "Why do you want to know?"

"I'm just wondering how much you've had to drink, that's all. I'll try my best to match it," she says flirtatiously.

"Ah- you don't need to do that. I don't think it's the best idea for you to get too drunk-"

"So you've had a few drinks, then?" She leans in, and Jaewon can see something bordering on desperation in her eyes. _The CEO put her up to this._

Jaewon bites his lips, staring at his glass, at the way the ice is beginning to melt. "Just do it. I know you were told to do something, so..." he says quietly.

Under the table, she squeezes his hand. "I'm sorry, really," she whispers.

And then they stare at each other for a moment before her hands are cupping his face and she's kissing him. Jaewon has no choice but to place his hands at her waist, praying to some god that the photos surely being taken turn out bad, or that the cameras themselves break.

She breaks off after what seems like an eternity, hands grabbing Jaewon's and tugging him towards a hallway.

A back exit.

They burst out onto a side street, dimly lit, where two cars sit waiting.

"I think that one's for you. My apologies, Wyld-ssi. I hope you can forget you ever saw me." The girl gives a quick bow before darting into one of the cars, her high heels sinking in the small amount of snow on the ground.

Jaewon stiffly makes his way to the other car, and slides into the backseat. The driver says nothing to him.

The dashboard clock says 10pm.

———

"Where the hell were-" Minsoo pauses, staring at Jaewon.

At the ruffled hair, the lipstick smeared on his face, the disheveled shirt.

"I should've known better than to just let you go out, shouldn't I?" He says it quietly.

It hurts to hear nonetheless.

Minsoo just sighs and spins on his heel to go to his and Dongho's room. Jaewon's left standing in the living room by himself.

The Christmas tree lights are turned off, and not even the moonlight can reflect off the shiny bulbs. Clouds blanket the sky. More snow is forecast.

Jaewon hates the way tears spring to his eyes and roll down his cheeks. His makeup's smearing, smokey eyeshadows blurring and running down his face with his tears. He must look like a mess.

It always ends like this.

He sniffles and reluctantly trudges to the bathroom, eyes stinging. It'll be good to take the makeup off. Then he can go to bed and sleep for a while. Maybe the next few days, if he's lucky.

Jaewon really doesn't believe in luck, though. It never works in his favor.

———

The others glare at him when he walks into the kitchen the next morning.

They have to know it's fake. After all, Jaewon doesn't drink, and all the tabloids claim that he was drunk on vodka. If it was real, he wouldn't seem so regretful, would he? Would he cry enough to leave his eyes rimmed in red? Would he spend most of the morning in bed?

None of them seem to notice, though.

Maybe it's just easier for all of them that way. Jaewon can pretend that everything's fine and the others can simply ignore everything that says otherwise.

It's the perfect agreement.

They've never spoken about it, but it goes unsaid. 

Minsoo says nothing about how Jaewon was clearly sober when he came home.

Dongho says nothing about how he knows that a couple scandals are fake. About how he suspects that all the rest were fake, too.

It's fine. It'll all be fine in the end.

Jaewon's phone buzzes. Another text from the CEO.

"Minsoo-hyung, the CEO wants to talk to me. Can I go or-"

Minsoo sighs, and sips at his coffee. "Just go. Don't get him any angrier than he probably is." 

"Ah. Alright."

———

"Good job, Wyld! If we get a comeback scheduled for the middle of January, I'm sure you'll cut the debt by 5%. You'll still need to make another scandal before the comeback, though. I'm sure you understand."

Jaewon stares at his feet. "Yes sir."

"Well, that's all I have to say. You're excused."

"Yes sir." He bows politely, and exits the office. 

Once in the hallway, Jaewon's hands are shaking. He curls his hands into fists, nails digging into his palm.

He hates this. Hates lying to the others, lying to fans, to the media. 

But it has to be done. Who else will be the face of the group, the headline maker? Jaewon's willing to take on that role if it keeps the others safe. It's worth it.

The air outside is sharp and cold, slushy snow piled up in gutters. Jaewon breaths it in, a sharp scent of smog filling his nose. He's thankful for his puffer coat, the fur trim brushing against his cheeks.

His phone buzzes.

It's his mom.

Jaewon freezes, staring at the screen. His fingers feel frozen by the cold air. He's frozen in fear.

_Why is she calling me? Is it because of the scandal?_

Shaking, Jaewon answers the phone. 

"Hello? Is this Ahn Jaewon?"

It's not his mom.

"Y-yes, this is. Who are you?"

"I'm Dr. Jung. Are you a direct relative of Ahn Jieun?"

"I'm her son... why are you calling?"

There's an exhale on the other side of the phone. "I'm sorry to inform you about this, but your mother passed away this morning."

Jaewon freezes, vision narrowing.

_no. no no no._

"...how?"

"Natural causes. She wasn't in any pain. Currently, one of her friends is offering to handle things. Do you want me to transfer that job to you?"

"No, no that's fine. I... can't make it to Daegu... is that all?"

"Yes, that's all. Again, I'm very sorry to be the one to tell you this."

Jaewon sighs, his breath forming clouds in the crisp air. "You're just doing your job. Thank you."

The doctor hangs up.

Jaewon's frozen in place, phone still held up to his ear. 

_She can't be dead. No. No she can't be._

———

The dorm's quiet when Jaewon eventually gets back. Daehyun's playing a video game, and Minsoo seems to be gaming in his room. Dongho, however, is trying to cook something, working around the bandages on his hands.

"Oh, Jaewon-ah, are you hungry?"

"No."

Dongho turns to look at Jaewon, and Daehyun, too, looks up.

Stiffly, Jaewon slides off his shoes and hangs his coat up, heading to his room. Neither of them follow him.

It's barely 1pm, and yet Jaewon crashes into his bed. He just hopes no one asks why he's upset. 

He's not aware of time passing, but eventually it's dark, and someone's walking into the room.

Jaewon pretends to be asleep.

"Jaewon-ah? Are you- oh." Dongho sighs, and pulls the blankets up over Jaewon. "...sleep well."

Jaewon doesn't want Dongho to leave. But he says nothing.

It's cold.

Jaewon's lonely.

He's alone. 

Jaewon has never liked being so alone.


	5. MAYHEM

_Two days to New Years._

Daehyun looks up from his video game at Dongho and Minsoo talking in the kitchen.

Jaewon's probably sleeping. It's all he seems to do now. Privately, Daehyun's sure it's because Jaewon sees nothing wrong with having **two** separate scandals in less than a week.

Dongho's heading to Jaewon's room, though, and Minsoo takes a seat at the table, waving Daehyun over to sit next to him.

He's got no clue what's going on.

Jaewon does eventually take a seat alongside Dongho, red hair messy and unkempt, eyes rimmed in red. For a moment, they sit in silence. No one bothers to ask what's going on with Jaewon.

Minsoo clears his throat. "I know we're all... a little under the weather, but SA1NT invited us to a New Year's party. They throw one every year, and thought we might like to come this year."

Dongho frowns a bit. "Soo, did they say how many people might be coming?"

"Well.... they invited a lot of people, from what Kyunghun-ssi said. He asked if we'd be willing to help set up, too, since they're... down a person."

Daehyun shrugs. "It sounds fine to me! How about you, Jaewon-hyung?"

"...I guess it's fine." Jaewon fiddles with his sleeves, staring at the table.

Dongho nods, glancing around to the others. "I think we're all down. You can let SA1NT know we'll be there."

Gleefully, Minsoo grins. "Hell yeah!"

———

It's still freezing on New Year's Eve. Snow is falling outside, and it's even a bit chilly in the dorm.

MAYHEM are all getting ready to head out, though. They've got overnight bags packed and piled up in the entryway. Dongho's grabbing earrings still, Minsoo and Daehyun packing together a basket of snacks. They know Jaewon's still getting ready.

They're dressed rather nicely, ready for a party, and just waiting on Jaewon before driving to SA1NT's dorm.

Eventually, Dongho joins them in the kitchen, fidgeting with the oversized sleeves of his sweater in an attempt to pull them over his still-bandaged fingers. Jaewon joins them a few minutes later, and nods once he sees the basket of snacks.

"Are we going to be leaving soon?"

"Yup! Minsoo-hyung and I are finishing up with the snacks." Daehyun gestures towards the basket.

Dongho looks towards the door, frowning. "Soo, the car's outside, right?"

"Yeah. Our manager dropped it off. Why?"

"Just wanted to make sure we could actually get to their dorm..."

———

SA1NT's dorm is in a gleaming highrise, all chrome and glass. They're on one of the top floors, too, and MAYHEM are all rather quiet in the elevator during the ride up.

None of them say it, but they all dream of one day being this successful. Of owning a highrise dorm, of throwing parties, of even just having enough friends to throw parties.

They stay similarly silent while walking down the hallway to the dorm, shoes clicking on the smooth flooring. This building's far much nicer than their own, and it's quite obvious. Jaewon's worried about breaking something. He doubts that'd make his reputation any better.

Minsoo leads them to the door marked 1053 and rings the doorbell. A slighty tired looking guy with long caramel hair answers the door.

"Ah, Minsoo-ssi. Glad to see you made it!"

"Did you really think I'd just ghost you like that, Kyunghun-ah? I can't believe you," Minsoo sighs in mock disappointment. Then he laughs. "Should we just come in?"

Kyunghun also smiles a bit. "Sure thing. Taeseok and Hyunjin-ah are decorating the living room right now, so feel free to just drop your bags in the hallway. We'll sort out rooms later."

It's significantly warmer in SA1NT's dorm. MAYHEM slip their coats and boots off, sliding on house slippers instead.

Somewhere, there's quiet music playing, seemingly from the kitchen. In the living room, Hyunjin- the second youngest in SA1NT, with mint hair and swoopy orange bangs- is decorating alongside Taeseok - the maknae, short with pastel purple hair.

Kyunghun leads everyone through quick introductions, and both Dongho and Minsoo seem to be easily befriending SA1NT's maknaes. Once hearing that Youngjoon's in the kitchen, Daehyun goes off to talk to him, and Kyunghun follows, muttering something about burning the food.

Jaewon just stands off to the side, observing the conversation in the living room. He doesn't see much point in joining.

———

Guests start arriving at 5, bringing snacks and bottles of drinks with them to share. The kitchen's full by 6:30, and so is the living room.

People are laughing and talking amongst themselves, sipping at the first drinks of the evening. There's quiet music playing in the background, and overall the party seems relatively calm. It's pretty tame, and almost everyone's sober.

By 9, though, it's a much different story.

It's loud in the dorm, cheery pop music (seemingly a song by a girl group in attendance) blaring through a speaker. There's the unmistakable smell of alcohol in the air, but this is nothing like the clubs Jaewon's used to by now.

It's a lot more cheerful.

Minsoo's horribly drunk, and he's dancing with Taeseok. He's smiling, and laughing, and it's the first time Jaewon's seen him look this genuinely happy in what feels like months.

Daehyun's off near the kitchen, playing beer pong with Youngjoon against MARSHMELLO. He's happy, leaning against Youngjoon's arm, a dopey smile on his face.

Dongho's sitting on the floor in the corner with Hyunjin. There's a whole group of foreign idols there, all laughing and cracking jokes and yelling in such an odd mixture of languages. They seem to be playing Uno, but with absolutely no rules.

Jaewon stands to the side. He doesn't fit anywhere, his reputation preceding him and apparently making him unapproachable.

He drifts off to the balcony, where it will hopefully be quiet. 

———

Kyunghun's on the balcony. The older sits in one of the uncovered patio chairs, staring out at the white-capped skyline.

"You can sit next to me, if you'd like." He sounds much quieter than he did earlier in the evening, tired eyes unblinking as he glances to Jaewon.

It's cold out on the balcony. Jaewon sits down regardless.

"Huh. You're not drunk." It's simply a curious observation, but the way that Kyunghun's cold eyes dig into him, Jaewon feels that it's more of an interrogation.

"Oh- no, I uh... I can't handle alcohol. So..."

"Well then. I guess we're the only two sober ones here." Kyunghun takes a deep breath of the cold night air, and stares back at the skyline. "Youngjoon's making me stay sober. I bet he's guarding the drinks right now."

Jaewon looks to Kyunghun quizzically. "Why's he stopping you from drinking? If... that's not too personal of a question."

"It's fine. I doubt you'd tell anyone, anyway. In all honesty, I think this week's the first one all month where I've even been sober."

"Oh. I..."

"You don't need to apologize, Jaewon-ssi. You were curious, and I don't mind answering you. Besides- I mean this as politely as possible- I don't think anyone would believe you if you told them."

"Probably not," Jaewon says quietly. He fiddles with his sleeves again, just for a moment, before looking out at the night sky. "...would you believe me if I told you something right now?"

Kyunghun leans back in his chair, legs hanging over an armrest. "...sure. Why the hell not. We're the only two sober ones at a New Year's Eve party, and I pretty much just told you that I'm a recovering alcoholic. I don't see any reason not to." The older's tone is slightly joking, but Jaewon can tell he's serious.

Jaewon nods, trying to focus on the gentle snow fall as opposed to Kyunghun's response. "My... all my scandals are fake. They started as misunderstandings but now- now the... company tells me to go places. And I can't say no."

"...I didn't think you were that kind of a person anyway. You're... less... what's the word, outgoing? Sure, that works. You're less outgoing than the press makes you out to be. You're not really Wyld."

"Yeah..." Jaewon looks at Kyunghun, feeling as though a weight lifted off his shoulders.

Kyunghun stares back, back at the younger's sad, sad eyes and his heart aches. "Do your parents know?"

Jaewon closes his eyes, hands gripping into the fabric of his pants. He lets out a watery exhale. "They're dead. My mom died last week. I- I think she knew? She at least knew I debuted..."

"Jaewon, I- I'm so sorry."

"It's fine. I think I'm getting over it.'S not like I'll be able to go to her funeral or anything, but-"

"...stop pretending. You don't have to act like that with me, okay?"

Jaewon looks up, and there's something so _pained_ in Kyunghun's eyes that he simply nods in agreement. Hesitatingly, Kyunghun reaches over to grab one of Jaewon's hands. He squeezes it, hard.

"I won't lie with you, either. I'm sure you know about Minsung by now?"

"Yeah. Minsoo-hyung was... weird. For a while after that."

Kyunghun gives a sad, sad smile. "Minsung and I were going to date. His... parents. They didn't like that. And he... he really doesn't deal with that kind of rejection well. Told me we couldn't be together."

"Oh..."

"I'm not going to lie. I... I still miss him. I'm going to for a while, I think."

"...I think that's ok. He meant a lot to you, so why wouldn't you miss him?"

"I'm glad you understand, Jaewon-ssi. The others don't seem to." Kyunghun squeezes Jaewon's hand again, staring out at the snow again.

Jaewon squeezes back. "Thank you for listening to me. I think you're the second person to."

Kyunghun stares at Jaewon, eyes pained and so, so caring. Jaewon's missed feeling like that. Cared about. And so he stares back, sad and yet hopeful, hopeful that maybe things will get better.

They stare for a moment, and then Kyunghun blinks, glancing at the snow. "We should head in, it's cold."

He pulls Jaewon up from his chair and back into the crowded living room, carefully weaving through the people to get to the hallway.

"If you want to talk or something, we could just go to my room. It's quieter there."

Jaewon nods, a small smile on his face. "That sounds nice."

———

His hair's a mess, Kyunghun notes as he looks in the mirror. Sometime within the past- thirty minutes? hour? he really doesn't know- his hair tie had fallen out, and now it hangs messily, the back long and somewhat wavy, his bangs straight and plastered to his sweaty forehead.

"Hyung? Is my bag in here?"

Jaewon's standing across the room, still pulling his sweater- a thick knit navy turtleneck- back on. Kyunghun can clearly see bruises, bruises that he didn't leave, on the younger's neck and _god_ there's a part of him that wishes he had been the one to have left them there, as opposed to the girl in the photos plastered under every headline.

"Your bag's on the dresser. Why, do you need some touch-ups on your makeup?"

Jaewon nods, flushed. "Y-yeah. Mostly my lip tint, I think..."

"I can take care of it, Jaewon-ah. Sit on the stool there and I'll just use some of mine."

Kyunghun tugs his hair back into a slightly messy ponytail and begins surveying his vanity for a lip tint that could work well on Jaewon. His eyes fall on a soft rose shade, which he tugs from its holder.

Jaewon's sitting patiently on the cushioned stool in front of Kyunghun's vanity, waiting for him to chose a shade.

Carefully, Kyunghun leans down a bit to swipe the muted rose shade onto Jaewon's lips. It's quite pretty on him, just a bit pinker than his lips usually are.

He thinks it's kind of cute the way Jaewon blushes at how close Kyunghun is to his face. They were much closer only minutes earlier, and yet it still makes Jaewon flustered.

Kyunghun's not sure how anyone could believe that Jaewon, cute, sweet, quiet Jaewon, was anything like the Wyld that the media said he was. It doesn't make sense to him.

He glances at Jaewon's lips, ensuring the tint covers them perfectly, and screws the lid back on. "Press your lips together for me?"

Jaewon does as asked, a soft _pop_ sounding as he does so. He stares at Kyunghun, eyes wide and sparkly as always and lips a soft, velvety rose.

Setting the tint down on his vanity, Kyunghun ruffles Jaewon's hair, fluffy red strands as messy as ever.

"Wanna head back to the party? I think the countdown's starting in a few minutes."

Jaewon nods eagerly and takes Kyunghun's hand, somewhat shyly grabbing onto it as they walk out of Kyunghun's room, down the hallway, into the entryway, and finally into the living room.

Everyone's obviously drunk by now, dancing and singing and shouting. Excitement buzzes in the air.

"Ah, Hyunjin-ah and Dongho-ssi are over in the corner there- oh, Taeseok-ah and Minsoo-ssi are joining them. Should we go sit with them?

"That sounds fun!"

It's somewhat quieter where the others are sitting, but only marginally. Jaewon waves a quiet hello to everyone and takes a seat at the edge of their circle, Kyunghun sitting next to him.

Hyunjin, flushed drunkenly, looks between the two of them for a moment. He pauses, and then triumphantly proclaims, "You were having sex, weren't you?"

Taeseok bursts into hysterical laughter, and Minsoo, too, laughs a bit, Dongho lightly punching his arm.

"Aish, Jinnie, you can't just say stuff like that." Kyunghun rolls his eyes, seemingly going along with the whole thing just being a joke Hyunjin made, but he squeezes Jaewon's hand reassuringly nonetheless.

"No, you two were up. to. something. Why's Wyld-ssi wearing a turtleneck, huh?"

The entire circle laughs at that comment, Minsoo wheezing out something about Jaewon having been wearing it the whole time.

Hyunjin just frowns, cheeks a brilliant red from alcohol. "Don't laugh at me, I'm right!"

Taeseok laughs a bit more, pressing a kiss to Hyunjin's cheek. "No you're not~"

"Aish... Hyung, c'mon, did you and Wyld fuck?"

"No! The only person's sex life you should be worried about is your own, _Hyunjin-ah_. Don't make me tell them about the collar incident-"

"Did I say anything? Seokkie, did I?"

Taeseok shakes his head rapidly, blushing a furious pink. "Nope! Nothing at all!"

Kyunghun smiles to himself, seemingly triumphant for the moment, and squeezes Jaewon's hand again. "Don't mind them," he whispers quietly. "They're always like this."

Dongho and Minsoo frown a bit, but Minsoo's the one to speak up. "What's the "collar incident"?"

"We don't talk about it," Taeseok nods sagely. "It's merely a rumor, I think."

Kyunghun laughs, almost dryly. "Ironic for you to be saying that."

It takes a moment, but Dongho muffles a laugh in his hand, and Minsoo stares at Taeseok, slightly surprised. "What the _hell_ were you doing with a-

"Soo, that's enough, I think. Sorry, Hyunjin and Taeseok."

"It's fine!" Hyunjin laughs weakly, Taeseok sprawled out in his lap and practically cackling. "Kyunghun-hyung's the one who should apologize."

"Seeing as you asked if I had fucked someone, I think we're even now, Jinnie." Kyunghun smiles widely, and Hyunjin just sighs, nodding in agreement.

"Sounds good to me! No more-"

"Five minutes to midnight!"

It's not quite sure who yelled it, but someone announced the time, and sprung the room into an expectant flurry of motion, people trying to get closer to whoever it is they want to kiss.

Very quickly, Kyunghun and Jaewon find themselves to be the only ones in the corner.

———

It's three minutes to midnight, and Youngjoon's running around with Daehyun to make sure everyone gets their drinks.

When he does reach Kyunghun and Jaewon sitting in their little corner, Youngjoon hands a specific glass to Kyunghun. "Don't worry, it's not champagne. Hyunjin told me to get sparkling apple cider, so you had something to toast with at least."

"Hyung, I can handle a glass of champagne," Kyunghun grumbles.

Youngjoon glares at Kyunghun while handing Jaewon his glass. "I'd feel better knowing you didn't have any. Here, Jaewon-ah, this is for you."

"Oh, I don't drink," Jaewon laughs nervously. Sure, it's a bit of a lie, but who cares?

"Oh! Would you want apple cider too?"

Jaewon nods, trying not to notice the way Kyunghun's looking at him.

Once Youngjoon's gone off into the crowd, Kyunghun hooks his chin over Jaewon's shoulder again, setting his glass on the floor. "You didn't have to do that, yknow. If you want champagne-"

"I don't, hyung. Really. Besides, apple cider tastes better!"

Kyunghun's eyes soften, staring at Jaewon with what could only be described as adoration. "It does, doesn't it. C'mon, let's get out of this corner."

They end up under the doorway leading to the entry room, with a perfect view of the TV broadcasting the countdown.

Kyunghun laughs a bit, pointing up at the archway. "I think we forgot to take down the mistletoe."

Jaewon looks up, and sure enough, a plastic mistletoe is hanging from the archway. It's kind of funny just how fake it looks.

_30 seconds to midnight_

They both glance around the room, and there's Yoomi and Koko on one side, holding their champagne flutes and holding hands, laughing while staring into each other's eyes. Youngjoon and Daehyun are standing under the archway to the kitchen, and even from across the room, Jaewon can tell that Dae's got hearts in his eyes. Dongho and Minsoo are back in the corner, smiling and talking quietly, and Hyunjin and Taeseok are right in the middle of the crowd.

_20 seconds to midnight_

Someone starts counting down, and others quickly join. Jaewon and Kyunghun are happy to stay silent, content with just holding each other's hands and watching the rest of the room chant.

_10 seconds to midnight_

Kyunghun turns to Jaewon

_"9!"_

"Jaewon-ah, would-"

_"8!"_

"-it be alright-"

_"7!"_

"-if i kiss you?"

_"6!"_

Jaewon stares, shocked.

_"5!"_

"You-"

_"4!"_

"-want to?"

_"3!"_

"Yes."

_"2!"_

"Then yes!"

_"1! Happy New Year!"_

Gleefully, Kyunghun and Jaewon toast their glasses along with everyone else, quickly setting them down on a side table.

Kyunghun gingerly rests his hands on Jaewon's cheeks, cupping his face, and then, finally, they kiss. Jaewon's hands rest at Kyunghun's waist, and it's sweet and tastes like apples and dully, he thinks that maybe, _maybe_ , someone like him shouldn't be kissing someone as famous as Kyunghun.

That thought gets dropped when Kyunghun breaks the kiss, forehead resting against Jaewon's, and presses a gentle kiss to Jaewon's cheek.

"Wanna go watch the fireworks?"

———

No one else walks out onto the balcony. It's just Jaewon and Kyunghun, staring out over the snow-capped skyline at the bursts of color in the night sky.

It's beautiful.

Kyunghun hugs Jaewon tighter to his chest, head resting on his shoulder. It's cold.

They're warm, though.

"Well, it's a new year now."

"Hopefully it's better than this one."

"Well..."

"It's going to be, though. I've got you now, don't I?"

———

It's quiet and cold in the morning.

Jaewon wakes up in Kyunghun's arms, his head laying on the older's chest. Their legs are tangled underneath the blankets. It feels so warm to them, resting skin to skin, and neither knows quite how to describe the way they feel. 

Content, of course. Warm. Safe. At home. Blissful.

Kyunghun doesn't seem to care about Jaewon's scandals, about his reputation. Instead, he just combs his fingers through his hair, detangling some of the damaged red strands.

Jaewon can't help but think that it feels awfully nice to be cared about.

"Jaewon-ah," Kyunghun says quietly, "would it be alright if I gave you my number?"

"Of course." Jaewon sighs contentedly as the older continues playing with his hair. "You're nice. I like that."

"...you're nice too. Sweet."

It's quiet for a moment. Kyunghun's about to say something more, and then there's a knock on the door.

"Hyung, Youngjoon-hyung says to get up. Are you awake?"

It's Hyunjin.

Jaewon feigns sleep, hoping Kyunghun will answer for them.

"Hy _ung_ , are you-" Hyunjin pushes the door open, eyes immediately falling on the bed, on Jaewon curled up in Kyunghun's arms- "...oh. You... you didn't..."

Kyunghun sighs. "It doesn't concern you."

"No, I think it does! You've heard about him, he's just a player." Hyunjin exhales angrily. "Can't I look out for you?"

"You don't need to protect me from Jaewon."

"No, I think I do. Just... hyung, if you miss-"

"This isn't about _him_ ," Kyunghun snarls. "Not everything I do is out of grief, Hyunjin. God."

It's silent. "...I'll let Youngjoon-hyung know you're getting up."

Kyunghun doesn't even react to the bedroom door slamming behind Hyunjin as the younger leaves. He just threads his fingers through Jaewon's hair again, sighing. "I'm sorry you had to hear that, Jaewon-ah."

"I'm used to it," Jaewon says sadly. "It's... probably for the best if the others don't find out."

"...Hyunjin's probably going to tell them. Wouldn't surprise me."

Really, they should get up. But really, they're just a bit selfish, just wanting to feel warm and safe for a little while longer.

Are they that bad for wanting that?

———

Reluctantly, they untangle themselves and hurry to get dressed before someone else comes to wake them up.

Jaewon's hair is somehow messier than normal, and he frantically digs through his bag for the turtleneck he packed.

Kyunghun searches for a hair tie, hoping to pull his ruffled caramel hair back as he usually does. He's got a sweater laying on his dresser already, a ruby mock-neck.

They manage to make themselves look somewhat put together, Jaewon running a last glance over the room to make sure none of his clothes got left on the floor.

"I'll just text you if you left anything. We've got each other's numbers now, it'll be fine."

"I know..."

Kyunghun pulls his sweater on and turns to look at Jaewon, the younger still slightly panicked. "Jaewon, you-"

"We should go join the others. So that they don't send someone else."

"...alright. Let's go."

It's quiet as they walk down the hallway. Jaewon drops his bag in the entryway next to the rest of MAYHEM's, and then silently follows Kyunghun to the kitchen.

The others look up when they walk into the kitchen, but most quickly turn back to their food. Minsoo and Hyunjin both glare at Jaewon for a moment. Youngjoon, on the other hand, smiles a bit.

"Come get some food, we've got... almost everything, I'd say. Pancakes, toast, eggs, fruit, cereal- oh, Dae-yah helped me make most of it! He's a great chef."

Behind him, at the table, Daehyun grins before biting on a piece of melon.

"Thank you, Youngjoon-ssi." Jaewon gives a polite nod, hoping to avoid getting on someone else's bad side, and quietly scoops some fruit onto a plate.

He takes the open seat between Daehyun and Dongho, purposefully ignoring Minsoo glaring at him. As he glances around the dining room, Jaewon notices that not only did Kyunghun and Youngjoon seemingly leave the room, but any sign of a party having happened is gone, save for the streamers still taped up in the living room.

"Did... you guys clean already? You could have woken up Kyunghun-ssi and I, we would have helped."

Taeseok laughs a bit. "No, none of us cleaned. Every year, someone cleans up whatever mess there is, it's always gone by the time we wake up. Weird, isn't it?"

"That _is_ weird," Daehyun says, awestruck. "Cleaning ghost?"

Taeseok's eyes light up. "A cleaning ghost! That's gotta be it."

"Aish, a ghost? Our apartment's too new to have a ghost." Kyunghun sits down across from Jaewon, Youngjoon sitting next to him and across from Daehyun.

"You never know, hyung~"

Jaewon can feel his phone buzzing in his pocket. He ignores it, instead stabbing a strawberry on his fork. The sweetness he's used to never comes, though, dulled by the terror of realizing that everyone else's phones seem to be buzzing, too.

Annoyed, Hyunjin whips his out, seemingly tapping on notifications. His jaw drops in disbelief as he scrolls. "What the fuck... how... why'd-" His eyes snap to Jaewon. "You. Fucking _Wyld._ They wanted to just get you, and now you've fucked it up for everyone."

Kyunghun stares at Hyunjin in disbelief. "Jinnie, wh-"

"Oh shut _up_ , Kyunghun. Don't try and defend him because you slept with him. He's fucking exposed all of us, and other people too! Look at this shit!"

Hyunjin practically slams his phone onto the table.

Jaewon would recognize that headline anywhere. One of the biggest tabloids for celebrity gossip. He's a regular offender in their headlines, but this-

_oh no_

\- this harms so many more people than just him.

"EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS: New Year's Couples at a V.I.P. Party? Wyld, SA1NT, and More."

Jaewon freezes, watching in horror as Hyunjin scrolls down the list.

_It's everyone, everyone from the party. Because of me?_

Yoomi and Koko, the two girls left in MARSHMELLO, are the first photo. Further down, there's a picture of Hyunjin and Taeseok kissing, and then one of Youngjoon and Daehyun. Dongho and Minsoo show up too, a second photo showing Minsoo pulling Dongho down the hallway to what Jaewon knows is the guest bedroom.

His and Kyunghun's photos show up at the bottom. Them under the mistletoe, a photo taken through the balcony window of Kyunghun backhugging Jaewon, one of Jaewon laughing and kissing Kyunghun's cheek as they headed down the hallway.

Hyunjin grabs his phone back and shoves it into his pocket before spinning on his heel and stomping to his room. Taeseok glances around at the others, and after a quick nod from Youngjoon, runs after him.

"I think we'll be going now," Minsoo says, syllables clipped and barely hiding the way his voice wobbles. "Sorry about all of this, I-"

"You don't need to apologize, Minsoo-ssi," Youngjoon says kindly. "We couldn't have done much to stop it, so I don't see a point."

"Ah. Well then. Thank you for inviting us."

MAYHEM are quick to leave, Daehyun shaking like a leaf and Dongho staring at everything with a scarily impassive expression, eyes darker than Jaewon's ever seen them.

Minsoo doesn't start yelling until they get to their car.

———

As if the first article wasn't bad enough, a second gets published before lunch.

"MAYHEM's Daehyun: Guitarist, Maknae, and Killer?"  
  
Minsoo says it's bullshit, that Daehyun would never purposefully try to ruin someone's life, that the "evidence" the article brings of Daehyun's Twitter being connected to the same phone number as the account that blamed Minseok- and, in a sense, killed him- is faked. 

Dae doesn't dispute it, though. That's the thing that scares Jaewon. He just sighs and heads to his room for the rest of the day.

Jaewon doesn't tell the older two that he overheard Daehyun talking to Youngjoon later that day. He doesn't tell them that Dae had been crying, that he had called himself a murderer, that he blamed himself for Minyoung's death, too. 

It's not like Minsoo will listen to him, anyway.

The others, wisely, choose to stay off of Twitter. Jaewon doesn't. He scrolls through walls and walls of mentions, all talking about the articles, all talking about him and Kyunghun.

He's used to the kind of stuff people say.

Still, it takes him off guard to see someone say that Daehyun's "almost" as bad as he is.

———

They get called into a meeting a few days later. 

Daehyun's quiet, as he has been for far too long now. Jaewon misses seeing him smile.

Minsoo still won't talk to Jaewon, instead sending any messages through Dongho.

Dongho's been talking with the company, trying to get articles taken down and have legal action be taken against the tabloid and whoever the anonymous photographer was.

Jaewon's quiet too. He's just been trying to not be in the others' ways, instead choosing to spend time wandering near their apartment. No one notices him when his hood's up, and he's free to be himself, to buy drinks at cafes and text Kyunghun to ask how things are going for SA1NT. 

When they walk into the meeting room, CEO Park's standing at the head of the table. MAYHEM sit down wordlessly, Dongho and Minsoo on one side, Daehyun and Jaewon on the other. Their manager stands near the door.

"Well. Manager Choi, I want you to make sure the room arrangements back at the dorm are switched. D.Min with Wyld and Minsoo with Daehyun. Ensure they don't switch back."

"Wait, no, I-"

The CEO stares at Minsoo. "You're in no position to make demands here, Minsoo. Either listen or leave."

A frightened silence settles over the meeting room. Daehyun won't look up from the table, and Dongho's the only one who manages to still look collected.

"D.Min and Minsoo. As I'm sure you know, MAYHEM has a dating ban. You two are the last ones I'd expect to break the rules." Park sighs. "What a disappointment."

Dongho clears his throat. "Sir, we aren't dating?"

"Keep it that way," CEO Park says coldly. "And if you are lying, I expect you to have broken up by tonight."

Jaewon _hates_ how sad Minsoo's eyes look. He's seen the oldest two curled up on the couch together, the way they've been practically relying on each other to even get by most days. 

He hates what the dorm's going to be like once the rooms change.  
  
"Daehyun. Are you and Young J dating?"

"No."

"Have you kept in contact with him?"

"I... yes. We've been talking." 

Daehyun looks so small, hands balled up in his hoodie and eyes downcast.

"Call him, right now. Tell him that... whatever you have... isn't going to work."

Jaewon's never seen Daehyun look so horrified. And yet he's not sure what's worse: that, or the horrible look of resignation Daehyun has before pulling his phone out.

"...Hello Youngjoon-ssi."

_"Dae, I... is something wrong? You normally text before-"_

"This isn't going to work. We can't keep talking like this."

_"Wait, Daehyun, what do you-"_

"...bye, Youngjoon."

Minsoo and Dongho watch, so very concerned, as Daehyun hangs up. The CEO just nods.

"Good job, Daehyun. I'd hate to have both you and Wyld causing trouble for MAYHEM."

Jaewon's the only one who can see that the call to Youngjoon is still going through. 

"...understood, sir." Daehyun tucks his phone back into his pocket, ending the call as he does so. His eyes look horribly blank. 

"Now. Wyld." CEO Park clears his throat, shuffling papers on his desk. "What happened with you and Kyunghun."

Jaewon can feel Minsoo and Dongho's eyes on him. He sighs, a horrible understanding of what he has to do.

He doesn't want to lose Kyunghun, the one person who cares about him. He doesn't want to have to call him, to scare him half to death by saying they won't work together.

"...It was just a one night stand. I was planning to just ghost him."

"What the fuck?" Minsoo's pissed. "You spent all that time trying to get with him just to ghost him? You're worse than I thought!"

"Minsoo, you don't need to scold Wyld. Take these three home, Choi. I need to talk to Wyld privately."

Daehyun glances to Jaewon, pain flickering in his eyes, and Dongho, too, looks back with what almost looks like pity. Minsoo's glare has nothing less than pure disgust in it.

Jaewon expected nothing else the moment the words left his mouth.

Manager Choi leads the others out of the meeting room, and CEO Park gestured for Jaewon to follow him down the hallway.

To his office.

———

Maybe, if Jaewon wasn't used to being in this room after scandals, he would be able to appreciate the view from the wall of windows, a gorgeous snow-capped city spread out down below.

But CEO Park is standing at his desk, staring at the window, hands clasped behind his back, and there's a simmering rage barely concealed in his icy, stiff smile.

Slowly, dress shoes clicking on the marble tile, Park walks around the desk to stand next to Jaewon, still staring out the window.

He sighs, and then CEO Park just glares at Jaewon for a moment.

"Wyld, I thought you knew better than to do something like that. You know just as well as I do that your scandals are planned, you at a club with some girl. Not you with a guy, or at a house party acting like you're a normal person. You're MAYHEM's ticket to fame, alright? And I'm the only one who can make sure that your scandals help MAYHEM, instead of harming them."

"...yes sir."

Park's hand meets Jaewon's cheek, a stinging handprint left behind. "Speak up. You need to apologize."

Jaewon swallows in an attempt to clear his throat. "Yes sir. I'm sorry for causing trouble, it won't happen again."

"I'm not convinced, Wyld. You need motivation. How about for every scandal you create on your own, I add ten thousand dollars to MAYHEM's debt? Does that sound good?"

"No, sir, you don't need to do that, I promise it won't happen-"

"Wyld. If you really don't want me to raise the debt, you know what to do." The CEO's leering at him, a horrible smile twisted on his face.

He hates it, but Jaewon knows exactly what the CEO wants him to do. So he bows, knees resting on the cold floor and eyes squeezed shut, knowing what comes next.

Harshly, Park presses his shoe on the back of Wyld's head, forcing it against the floor. Jaewon bites his lips, silently praying that his nose doesn't break.

The pressure on his head increases until he's practically getting his face stomped into the floor. He doesn't dare say anything, in fear of actually getting his head stomped on. Finally, the CEO removes his foot, and the muscles in Jaewon's shoulders relax a bit. He stays bowing on the floor, not daring to stand up without permission.

What he doesn't expect is for the CEO's foot to violently connect with his stomach, one and then twice and then again and again.

Jaewon's left curled on the floor, arms weakly protecting his head when the CEO finally relents. His breath keeps catching in his throat, always on the verge of sneaking out from his lips with a pained whimper. Tears are welling up in his eyes.

The CEO sneers. "Pathetic. Next time, don't mess up. Then you won't have to face the consequences."

He leaves the room briskly, door slamming shut behind him.

Jaewon stays on the floor until he's sure he can't hear the sharp click of CEO Park's shoes in the hallway. Only then does he gingerly get to his feet, twinges of pain exploding across his stomach.

The hallway's empty and quiet when Jaewon stumbles out into it, leaning against the wall for support. It hurts to move, but he can't stay crumpled on the floor of the CEO's office. He knows that much.

Somehow he makes it to the mercifully empty bathroom, bile rising in his throat. 

His knees buckle as he dashes into a stall, knees hitting the cold, hard tile. It stings his throat as he coughs up what feels like pure acid, and each cough only hurts his stomach more.

It seems to continue for an eternity, but finally, he rests his head against the wall, ignoring the sour taste in his mouth.

_how stupid am i for thinking things could get better_

Jaewon stares blankly at the wall, partly glad that he hadn't eaten enough to actually throw up, partly hopeful that the red tinge to the horrible, stinging bile that he had coughed up was nothing more than his hurt, exhausted brain playing a trick on him.

It's so cold and quiet and Jaewon's so, so alone. It hurts to even look at the blindingly white tile, and so he closes his eyes.

He knows someone's going to tell Kyunghun. There's nothing he can do about it. He misses Kyunghun.

_we don't get happy endings, do we._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH IT'S DONE
> 
> is this chapter 12 days late? yes, yes it is. but it is done!! the 2020 winter whump fic is done!!!
> 
> As a celebration for myself (and a precaution, just in case my second semester classes Beat My Ass) I'm going to be taking the rest of January off from posting fic! Hopefully i can prewrite some chapters for my two ongoing multi-chaps, and maybe get some oneshots written!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this, I spent,,,,, a very long time working on it,,, TT-TT
> 
> ily all <3


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